Hi Anita

I talked to a couple of coworkers to ask their opinion on the job. I just chose to go full-time. I concluded that I won’t really understand what is the better choice until it’s happening to me and I can just change my mind if it ends up being a huge mistake in the future. I really hope I don’t regret it but only time will tell.

I had the ultrasound on my neck for the lump and my results came back negative for anything concerning, so that’s good. However, a few days after this, I woke up and noticed an even bigger lump on the left side of my neck that seemed to just pop up out of nowhere. I freaked out as I do and made myself sick all morning trying to ignore it and tell myself it was probably the same as the other lump that just got tested, but I decided to go ahead and call my doctor again. I feel so embarrassed and shameful to give into my paranoias so hard.

Speaking of health anxiety and fears, I was scrolling through social media tonight and saw a reel of someone who had a mild heart attack from her heartbreak. That her anxiety and depression and extreme reaction to her breakup caused broken heart syndrome… basically something that affects blood pressure/heart function and can actually cause heart attack symptoms. I went on a spiral and I am now freaking out that any time I have my usual panic attacks, they will actually result in a serious situation. I feel so disconnected from humanity because of how neurotic and scared I feel all of the time. I’m so sick of myself, it makes me understand why people have to remove themselves from me. I can’t talk to anyone about this stuff without them getting annoyed and frustrated.

– He gave you a taste of Special, that’s what he did. And he is the only source of this taste that you know about. It is not only the words he uttered that gave you this taste, it is also his privileged and educated family background, and it is also about the way he delivered the words he uttered, something about his style, his mannerism, his way of looking into himself- to an extent- that touched your heart and gave you that taste of Special.” — this is completely spot on. I’ve always believed I was too much for people and he was the first person to ever see these issues and not only accept them, but reassure me and joke about it to make me feel not so heavy over it. He really did have a way of handling it that makes me feel crazy over losing. It’s so heartbreaking. I’m so incredibly lonely. My birthday was very rough because of it. I had the tiniest part of me that hoped he’d reach out to wish me a happy birthday, but he didn’t.

“– I am imagining that I am a man your age and I meet you, a very soon (in four days) 32-year-old woman, and she gives me a lot of positive attention (like that which you gave your ex). I imagine that I feel very good about it and want more of it. I feel important and I like it. But then I realize that I feel too important to her, that any word I say, any silence in between words, anything minor about what I say and do, is MAJOR to her, as in any word I say can make or break her.. I have too much power, I start feeling uncomfortable, so I withdraw. Could this be an explanation to the pattern/ theme you mentioned above?” — this is exactly what I’ve been saying in my thread, when I’ve been saying that I pushed him away/I scared him away/too much pressure, etc. I do think it’s why he was so into me for awhile and was trying, and then gave up. It’s impossible to not internalize blame on my part. I realize he had a part in this because he wasn’t honest with himself and with me but I can’t understand why I had to lose him over this. Why couldn’t he have came into my life after I was in a better place? I keep replaying what he told me after the breakup, “It was wrong of me to not be planning or thinking of the future for us…” “…I was just trying to have as much fun as we could together and to make you as happy as I could until our problems inevitably broke us up.” It makes me feel so so sick. That he didn’t even see me as a long-term girlfriend. This has been keeping me up at night lately. I’ll never forget his face when I said I saw a future with him and maybe even marriage someday… he cringed his face in so much discomfort.

I’m getting super concerned with myself that I’m not progressing AT ALL with this. It will be 4 months on Christmas since the breakup.