Dear Anita,

Thank you for your compliment, it makes me feel validated that you see me and that I am growing!

“- keep your crown chakra as open as it is now, and you will avoid CB (Chakra Blocking) situations.”

-I am certainly striving for this openness and seeking ways to do so.

“– You felt at that time, for the first time, that he was careless with you. A bad trip .. could have been the totality of a lifetime with him being a bad trip…”

-When I read this it was scary because it feels true.

“In regard to seeking a Buddhist community, you wrote: “I do think that I should and will“- try with n open crown chakra.”

-I will be very intentional when I try out a Buddhist community, is there a specific reason it would be more beneficial with an open crown chakra?

“Nobody is at their top performance at all times, that’s for sure, so a seeing man will be blind at times. Look for patterns and overall seeing-ness.”

-This is helpful. Just this morning during my meditation I was asking for guidance to tell the difference between someone who is capable of seeing versus someone who is not, that appears as if they can be taught.

“– a very interesting family. Don’t try to change either part of the family: enjoy philosophy with your father’s side, and empathy, with your mother’s side. Don’t try to get your deeper needs met by any side of the family, is my strong advice. Enjoy the companionship, food and conversations. Merry Christmas!”

-Thank you for the advice I will appreciate both sides for who they are and not expect more.

-By the way, I ended up having breakfast with my dad yesterday and it went well. Although first of all he did an out of touch thing, that he often does, where he schedules something over the time with you and then needs to leave early and you ask why and he makes it like you miscommunicated. He said he had the whole day friday to do something with me then suddenly the night before he said “so I am up for anything I just have a golf round at noon.” I was frustrated and told my sister and my little sister said he did the same to her last weekend, said he would do something with her, then he canceled and went and did that thing with his girlfriend instead! I confronted him a little and asked “were these noon plans planned recently?” and he said yes and that he was under the impression I was only free in the morning, which is not exactly what was said but worked for him to believe. Instead of more confrontation I just decided to accept he was too out of touch/unaware to see his selfishness.

-We enjoyed our breakfast together and had nice conversation, it was deep and insightful about certain topics. Then I told him about my financial issues and he gave me the money I needed for rent and a medical bill, as a gift! with no payment plan back, he has never given without those strings before.

“N will use your false guilt to your disadvantage. This part of you that wants to make amends to N may lead to your destruction.”

-I will keep this in mind. Also interesting, I have had several dreams about N, and in every one we try to be friends and it always left me with some sort of negativity, I think my dreams are telling me something. And you are right that I cannot change what is happening in his family.

You quoted me: There is a huge part of him that wants to be loved, his mom did not show much affection and his dad was aloof. I want him to be loved…”– (1) Hope can reawaken, (2) As you reach your hand to him (with caring, loving intentions).. he may  cut it off.

-What do you mean by hope can reawaken? When the voice of doubt, of my decision to leave N, comes I am able to reason it away every time. I either think of what I do wish for in a partner that was not in N, or I think about those moments N shut down my feelings or attempts to bond with him deeper. One of these voices of doubt is that N will self actualize and become the man I needed him to be.. is this what you mean by hhope can reawaken?

“- yes, reading this had just brought a smile to my face for the first time today (and it’s almost noon!)”

-Well back at you because this made me smile for the first time today and I have been awake a few hours!

“– if your only or main chakra was the sacral chakra (the chakra associated with sexual energy, from what I read), then a highly vibrated sacral chakra would have made you the happiest woman in the world.”

-Does a woman like this exist? is this who N will find as his partner?

“(1)Watch that addiction to N. This addiction is not gone for good. It can awaken in a circumstance such as sitting besides him during a plane flight,”

-My trip home so far has certainly made me feel things that I did not predict. Soemthing actually my dad told me a long time ago that holds very true “you can predict and plan alot of things but one thing you cannot predict is how you will feel.”

-First, feeling sad/disapointed he was not at the gate at the airport, this feeling surprised me, but thankfully I was distrcated by some conflict on the airplane, then I went into my own space and when I landed I had breakfast with my Oma (grandma in German). It was her first time hearing about why the breakup happened, and I stepped in to my strength again speaking about it.

-Second, The evening. Since he was planned to be on this trip there have been moments where I am enjoying it with my sisters completely, but then I get this dose of wondering how much more comfortable I would feel if he was there to. It has continued every night I have been here.

-Third, before my breakfast with my dad where he gave me the money I needed to feel safe, whenever I was anxious about money I would miss N, not because he would pay for things, there is no way I would have let him pay my rent. I just missed him saying “it will all be okay just enjoy your time with your family, we will figure it out.” As I am typing I realize the answer is for me to say that to myself… there is just a lonely feeling associated without him.

-Fourth, when we are having fun. Whenever my sibblings (with hometown friends/cousins) and I are having the most fun, I find myself wishing N was here to experince the joy.

I will create a new email address for this platform to be extra safe, I will likely get to it after this trip if that is ok with you.

I wonder how you liked the song/music video?

Merry Christmas!

I hope my inconsistent messages are not causing you stress?

Seaturtle