Dear Stacy:

You are welcome. “I worry about being a toxic person so much that I think I completely take myself out of the equation when it comes to what I should have or be entitled to”-

– my mother was a toxic person in my life if I define toxic people according to psychology today as people who are “self-centered, manipulative, abusive and lacking in empathy”, and people who “drain others’ energy by constantly demanding attention, sympathy, or validation”, and people who “disrespect emotional and physical boundaries”.

You, Stacy, are definitely not self-centered, manipulative, abusive, and lacking empathy, nor are you disrespectful of others’ emotional and physical boundaries. You fit only the part of the definition in regard to repeatedly asking for validation that you are physically desirable by bringing up the topic, complaining about him liking photos online, etc.,  which is energy draining on the part of the romantic partner; unpleasant, but I wouldn’t say abusive. So, as far as I understand, you do not fit the category of toxic people.

“In counseling, I learned to focus so much on what I was possibly doing to project onto others that it has since made me feel like all of my feelings are invalid“- All your feelings are valid. Some of your feelings indicate the reality of your childhood but not the reality of your adulthood. Often, a child who is really rejected by a critical parent grows up into an adult who assumes (projects) that others are also rejecting him or her when it’s not the case.

Everyone- every single person- projects. For example, when you see someone crying, you connect in your mind, crying and feeling sad, because that’s your experience, and you project this personal experience into the crying person, believing that he or she is sad. This projection would be an accurate projection in most cases because in humans, sadness and crying are instinctually connected. But, if the crying person only pretends to cry, this projection, that he/ she feels sadness, would be an inaccurate projection.

“I’ve learned that everything I’m jealous over is a chip on my shoulder, everything I’m hurt or paranoid over is an insecurity. And then exes and family and friends reinforced the idea that I was indeed just always projecting and being too sensitive and overblowing situations so now I just feel like my perspective really doesn’t even matter“-

– To have a chip on one’s shoulders means “to have an angry or unpleasant attitude or way of behaving caused by a belief that one has been treated unfairly in the past” (online dictionary). In your personal life you really were (and still) treated unfairly by some people in your family of origin, and therefore your anger is natural and understandable. When people in your family who have mistreated you accuse you of being too sensitive and overblowing situations, that’s further mistreatment on their part, mistreatment on top of mistreatment. It is sad when your perspective really doesn’t even matter in your own home.

On the other hand, when you inaccurately project being mistreated by others, for example, taking it personally that he liked bikini photos,  as if those likes indicate that he feels that you are not attractive, and expressing that he was a bad, guilty person for liking those photos, that’s having a chip on your shoulders, I suppose.

“I just don’t know at what point my expectations are warranted and at what point they are irrational and unfair to put on others. I hate my boyfriend lusting at other women. I hate it so much because it’s happened to me in every relationship. Does that mean I can set that boundary?”-

– this hate is a projection of early life VALID anger. If your view of your adult life situations was free from this projection, life would be easier for you and you would know what boundaries are appropriate to set.

“it’s interesting you mentioned this because I was reading something the other day about this and how it can happen during a relationship and after a breakup. Some people refer to the deep longing after a sudden and unexpected as dark limerence – where the memories and rumination keeps you in this dark place you can’t get out of but you hold onto it because it’s all you have left of that person“- or more accurately all you have left of his best moments in the relationship, or all that you have left of an overall fantasy of him.

“I knew this day was gonna be especially hard for me so I volunteered to work all day to try to distract myself from the pain”- how are you this New Year Eve, Stacy?

anita