Thank you Anita for your Replies, I hope you had a good holiday.

I’m sorry i take so long to reply here, my life feels like it moves way too fast for me to keep up most days.

Lately i go through periods of doing well and feeling good about myself, back to anxiety and shame. I will probably break up with my gf of 1.5 years today. I have had 2 anger outburst towards her in the past month. This morning she was making rice for her lunch, and told me to watch it while she showered. If i didnt take it off the heat it was going to burn. When she left the bathroom i entered. She went to the kitchen and noticed the rice wasn’t cooked to her liking and came to the bathroom door to ask me what happened. As i started to explain she cut me off (big trigger for me, its what triggers most of my outburst with her, not feeling heard) and i yelled “fuck” to myself in the bathroom, I wanted to throw something but i did not. i went to the basement after and we didnt say anything else to eachother for the rest of the morning and she left for work. The last outburst i had with her while we were driving home for xmas was because i felt ashamed when i couldnt figure out how to get the hi-beams in her car work right. She just kept going on about how i dont listen right and i screamed while driving the car. I’ve probably had about 4-5 of these type outburst with her in the past 2 years. Something about the way she communicates with me triggers me heavily. I think i need to break up with her as it’s not getting better, and i feel far to anxious about housing, work, and transportation to be fully present with her.

I am worried that i may never be able to maintain a healthy relationship with a woman in my life. I seem to be highly sensitive to criticism, and relationships seem to be full of criticism for me.

I dont think i mentioned it, but i had a panic attack during a therapy session a few weeks ago. My anxiety has never been this bad before, Im used to being depressed not carrying this much anxiety. I’m struggling to save any money on my therapist salary, i will likely have to move in with my sister for 6mo-1yr this summer until i can afford to buy a home. I feel like such a failure right now. I did sign up for a marathon in april to try to get myself motivated to take care of myself again, which has been helpful as i’ve been running more the past few weeks despite the cold weather.

Im worried about myself, I feel wound up all the time. Being a therapist has been difficult for me lately as i feel so emotionally drained and have a hard time being present with others.

I need a break badly, a real break, not a few days off work.

please tell me it gets better