Re-submitting:

Dear Seaturtle:

“Similarly I feel this way about getting my things from N. My roommate tells me to just get it over with. But I feel like I will know when is the right time.. Do you think this is true? wow as I asked this to you (and myself) I heard the title of my thread again ‘is it gut or fear‘ that does not feel it is quite the right time, or is it intuition or fear? Still hard for me to tell this difference..“-

Wikipedia: “The word intuition comes from the Latin verb intueri translated as ‘consider’ or from the late middle English word intuit, ‘to contemplate’. Use of intuition is sometimes referred to as responding to a ‘gut feeling’ or ‘trusting your gut’”.

Intuition/ gut means knowing something without considering or contemplating it.. you just KNOW it.

You ended your original post on Oct 6, the day you chose the title of your thread, with: “Idk maybe we are perfect for each other and I am self sabotaging, or maybe its the inner voice of my higher self telling me it’s not right“-

– I boldfaced what you referred to in your title as fear, and boldfaced+ italicized what you referred to as gut. What you had in mind back then as fear was the fear of making a mistake and letting a good man go. What you referred to as gut was the part of you that felt that he was not a good man for you.

Fast forward 22 pages, 3 months and five days from the date of your original post to today, your gut is stronger but the fear that you are making a mistake and letting a good guy go still lingers. I think that not trusting one’s gut is a result of  emotional predation, what I started talking about yesterday: the emotional predator starting preying on your heart chakra making his way tup to your crown chakra, promoting fear and self-doubt and robbing you from trust in your gut.

Emotional predators. com: “they claim to be the victim, usually of the person they’re in fact victimizing; they fake sincerity and make emotional displays to influence, intimidate, charm, disarm or seduce others; they pretend to be innocent and ignorant; they trap others in no-win binds where the other person is damned if they do and damned if they don’t…  they isolate and ‘gaslight’ their targets, eliciting in the targets unmerited guilt and doubt about their own sanity; they create havoc, confusion and chaos, and disrupt other people’s natural rhythms… they relentlessly manage their public image, often by omitting relevant facts (lying by omission).

”All Emotional Predators hide, deceive and avoid. They conceal their true nature and objectives, presenting a false image, often very convincingly. They can’t be safely relied upon. They misdirect your attention away from what’s really important with words and deeds that rarely reflect the full truth. They lie by assertion and omission, for amusement and gain, or simply out of habit. They shift the topic when you try to talk about anything they don’t want to address. They avoid giving direct answers to simple questions or requests, and offer excuses and justifications, rather than change. Often there’s more accurate information in what an Emotional Predator does not say than in what he does say.

”The more you can commit these traits and behaviors to memory and recognize them in others, the better protected you’ll be. It takes repeated review and experiences to remember new information, so don’t worry if you forget. Books like Protecting Yourself from Emotional Predators are resources you can make notes in and refer back to as often as you need. And rest assured, an Emotional Predator will repeat her behaviors and traits many times.”

On July 29, in your first thread, you described N this way: “He is supportive, he encourages me to do what I LOVE. We are getting better at communication every day…willing to be a stay at home dad or be the bread winner, whatever I want!! He is truly a stand up man, he is so kind and deeply cares for those around him“- he presented himself as these things, his presentation was convincing as far as your family goes (“My family absolutely loves him”, July 29), but in your gut, you felt small and big disconnects in his presentations of himself as a stand up guy:

“I don’t think we are soulmates…  I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time but they keep coming back to me. OR is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ?????????????? I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now” (July 29, 2023)- he presented himself in these ways but there were significant disconnects in his presentations that you couldn’t exactly put your finger on.

Back to your yesterday’s first post: “There was a little voice in my head that wasn’t sure if he meant what he was saying. I wondered if it would lead to passive aggression, it lead to me feeling awkward when he did pay for things, such as dinner, park passes or at the grocery store checkout. It is almost like I could feel the energy a bit, but then his words said otherwise so I would ignore the energy I felt”-

– WOW! I read the paragraph right above for the first time this late morning, AFTER writing about deceptive presentations of the emotional predator! His words didn’t fit his energy- you said it yourself. His words were not sincere.

“It was subtle, but I feel like I predicted him eventually admitting he felt a certain way, but I also hoped it wasn’t true and that his words were honest“- again, I am reading this for the first time: his words were not honest!

“His lack of expressing himself caused me to be on guard for something blowing up eventually. As it seems obvious to me that when you hide a feeling for so long it will eventually come out in a burst of energy… later he disregarded what he said, calling it a joke and so forth“- N is a dishonest man in the context of supposedly intimate relationships, the one with you.

You can’t fix interpersonal dishonesty and you couldn’t have fixed it back when you lived with him. Even if you paid the whole rent and all utilities and expenses for the whole time you lived with him, he’d still be him.

“I am more sensitive that anyone I have every met. For example, nicotine, it’s spiritual affects on me was enough for me to never be tempted into it again, even after lots of drinks on NYE when my roommate, M, was using one. I was tempted then remembered the affects on me and that was enough to release the pull on me. I asked her if she feels spiritually attacked in any way..”-

– thoroughly understand and remember the affects N  has had on you and will continue to have on you if you go back to him (continuing to be emotionally attacked by an emotional predator), and it should be enough to release the pull he has on you. You will not be tempted to go back to him.

“Her crown chakra is a little beaming light, I love it, I am smiling as I write this, so sweet”- I am smiling too as I read about your younger sister.

“You see me Anita, it is something that gave me the strength to believe that there is something to see“- you want to be seen and so do I. We are willing to see what is inconvenient to see about ourselves, don’t we? We care about being honest with ourselves and with others for the purpose of seeing and being seen.

N is not interested in being seen as he is, this is why he deceives.

“Well then Anita I hope I have you for a long time to avoid that third condition”- I would like that! (big smile emoji).

“Is little girl seaturtle the same as hatchling?”- yes.

“Thank you for providing me your cannabis disorder research!”- you are welcome.

“This reminds me of myself, I feel the consistent use alongside N, was beginning to cause me to have more anxiety than usual… I stopped doing it regularly with N because I noticed it causes me more anxiety… I think I was on the verge of developing cannabis use disorder myself..”- good thing you stopped.

“– I didn’t understand the above “it prevented him from having dreams“- what kinds of dreams?”

“He told me once or twice about a time in his life he had terrible sleep apnea and sleep paralysis. I think it is because of his football career… part of me admired his mental strength…”- problem is that his mental strength is rooted in interpersonal dishonesty, dishonesty with you. but remember, just as a broken clock is honest twice every 24 hours…

“… I worried that he needed so many substances.., His use of weed in the morning, then coffee, then energy drinks plus nicotine for lunch, then he would get home and said he hadn’t eaten all day.. it physically aged him and mentally depleted him. He wasn’t always like this, it was more towards the last couple months of our relationship. Because in the first year of our relationship he quit a lot of these things..”- this made me feel empathy for him, and concern.

“I wondered this before too, him saying he would stay home with kids if I wanted. At first I thought that was thoughtful of him to offer, to offer to support whatever I chose. But then I wondered about the weed and worried for future children that he wouldn’t attend to them properly, then lie and say everything went well..”-

– best you can do is to not get back to him, including: to not bring children into a relationship with him, and to wish him well. Accept what you cannot change in life, and change what you can, as the Serenity Prayer says. You can’t change his past, who he has become, and who he will continue to be, getting worse, so it seems. It is very sad, but if you went back to him, you’d hurt yourself further, possibly bring children to get hurt… and all along not helping him at all.

anita