Good morning Anita,

Recently I have thought a lot about how N had a lack of respect for me. He questioned how I did things often and I don’t believe you gaslight and lie to someone you respect. Being late to dates, prioritizing his work over my time, he prioritized him time over my time and he didn’t think anything was wrong with those things. He left messes at my apartment, which I found rude and almost straight spiteful as if he was trying to purposely take full advantage since he felt I took advantage of him at his home. He straight up told me I worried about things that didn’t matter, he did not respect me.

Anyways, I have a theory on this respect. You wrote “What threatens him? That you will see through him, that you will see what he sees: a man beautiful or valuable on the outside, but not on the inside (as he sees himself).” If he sees himself as not valuable on the inside, then he must not respect himself right? so by that logic, how could he respect someone who respected him.. It makes me wonder, did he earn respect for me leaving him? If he truly agrees he is not valuable, then he must respect someone who does not want something invaluable, thereby lacking respect for anyone that thinks he is valuable… what do you think about this?

I have another pondering question/thought I’d like to hear your opinion on. I do not wish that he had contacted me in this past month and a half, since the breakup. However, I wonder why he hasn’t, I am not wondering out of sadness I am wondering out of curiosity. Because when I told him at first I wanted to move out he literally said no, not that I couldn’t do it but no as in he didn’t like the idea when I asked. Hm, I am having a memory right now; at fourth of july, when he came to stay with my family over the summer at the beach, I was emotional one day and drinking and I felt unseen again by him. I wanted to spend more time with him but he kept disappearing without letting me know where or when he would be back and when I told him that hurt my feelings he said I was just being dramatic, in that moment more tears came and I wanted to be away from N, so I started to walk away but he grabbed my arm and said “no don’t leave, come here” and gave me a hug. At the time I thought it was sweet. I wonder if it is because of how I broke up, the strength I exuded! If I would have been in tears walking away, he may have grabbed back, perhaps that is even explanatory of his comment to my sister that “I just can’t get over how coldly she ended it.” I wonder if this is the thought he would have when considering reaching out… The drama liking part of me, a part I cannot ignore but know is not healthy, wishes I did it in a sad way so that he did reach out to make me feel good. That it would have been somewhat satisfying to end it sad, then have him try to come back, THEN end it strong/ “cold.” But I guess it is a good thing I broke up with him with an open third eye, not allowing tears to even come to my eyes because I was so set. If you think about it I did him a favor too, if only he could see it.

All this is a theory, is putting energy into the thinking of these theories healthy? Part of me thinks yes, because it could be helping me get to know myself and my true desires. The other part of me thinks no, because after I think them, I feel strange energy on me, like a small dose of what it would have ACTUALLY felt like. You know when you imagine something and you can feel it a little bit.. so I wonder if feeling it is good or bad for me.

Seaturtle