Anita,

Yes, that makes sense. The vacuum thing.

I do not want to say she’s evil for acting like that but I said many times already that I want to feel like I get to decide things too. And she knows that. But she knows that overall, not specific. I mean specific cases in the past, yes, some of them. But in present time when I don’t want to do something I go quiet. And then I get angry later. I know I shouldn’t behave like that, I should just say right away in a normal tone, not angry tone later. But I don’t know how to do that. I feel like she is more confident and assertive with her opinions and I just take a step back and not say anything. Today it happened again I got angry about the Athens vacations and she got angry too that she thought I agreed and now I’m saying I don’t want to go. But later she said Okay let’s go to some other place where we both want to go, she knows I wanted to see Norway and there’s my favorite book author there, places like museums related to those books. And it was nice she proposed it but it’s cold there now so I said ok let’s go to Athens and we will visit Norway some other time during the summer. And it seems okay now. But I had to agree to something she wanted in the end. She asked me many times: Ok what do you want? what is the place you want to see? And I couldn’t say. Because I did not know anymore. I did not know how to resolve this situation, this conflict. And then she said Ok let’s go to Norway, I don’t care about Athens anymore.

She said it, not me. I couldn’t.

Sorry I let it all out here but it is  kind of regulating for me to just write it all. I see it and I understand it better now thanks to you Anita. And I want to change it because I am in a relationship with someone who cares. I know she is not perfect but I can see she wants to try to fix things. It just got so complicated. Today I told her “It’s all getting complicated once I say what I want” because it is. When she says she wants something and I agree, it’s all good. I think she just got used to it. And about a year ago I started to see it and did not want to agree to things anymore. And I think she is just not used to it because she did not know it. And now it sounds like I am angry and resentful for past things. Which is not even her fault, not entirely at least. It is a bit her fault in my opinion because she wants so badly for us to do things she likes. She sometimes imposes things like boardgames etc. She wants to buy those I would like instead of just leave me alone.

How can I learn this “emotion regulation and assertiveness skills, as well as challenging distressing thoughts (CBT)”, Anita? Can I learn it by myself? is reading a book enough? or should I see a therapist. I am really desperate, I am having panic attacks because of this. I think it is all too much in my life right now.