Dear Anita,

I feel the reason I have yet to find myself consistent here is because my third eye has been blurry. I also do not want to be repetitive, because I know why I ended it, I don’t regret ending it, so these other thoughts I am having seem irrelevant, but in the last three days I have felt them deeper and I am not sure why with the timing. It does not help that I dream of N every night. The dreams change, but the last two nights in a row in the dream, I have an opportunity to go back to the way it was, and my dream self wants to. As if my dream self, third eye closed, thinks that suffering through the bad parts of the relationship are worth getting the good parts back in my life. I miss the smallest things like kissing his cheeks and scratching his head, I miss taking care of him… I feel stupid for saying these things, and I know you don’t think I am, but I do. I feel like the things I miss are little things that are very common in relationships, so that does help, I am not missing things that were just N, so they will be in my life again, but right now I want them and they feel far away.

I can sense myself at a crossroads of wanting to watch sad/ romantic movies and have wine versus doing the healthier thing and no wine and waking up to go to a hot yoga class tomorrow. Tomorrow I have my pre-operation for my surgery. Which by the way, I got an mri and apparently it didn’t reveal any clarity to my surgeon and she needs me to instead see an oncologist just in case it is cancerous. The surgery is suppose to be friday, but it has changed several times, so we will see. I have had it set in my mind I want to get this medical stress taken care of first, and next is to get my passport from N. I have thought about sending someone to get it for me, but there is a bigger part of me that wants to see him. I don’t know what it will feel like, I am not sure why I want to but I just feel like it is my only opportunity to do so, once I get my stuff I no longer have any reason to contact him. I have also played the moment in my head so many times I just want to end that image my making it real.

Seaturtle