Dear Anita,

“this makes me think fondly of a saying I came up with.. all by myself (proud of it): sometimes (often, really) Family is just another F word.”

haha this is funny and true. It reminds me of when I came home from my trip abroad from Argentina, I was already at my peak of overwhelm, just trying to process everything that I experienced and also the amount of family that wanted to see me when I just wanted to go rest. And it was this moment my mom revealed to me that she had slept that that guy a year ago that was suppose to meet me for a date… family really has the power to bring you higher or lower and why they choose lower, I have no idea, and hope I do not do that to them..

 “by “so many people”, you mean your family members? If so, consider that families are quickly to label individuals within as this or that, and the label persists within the family, and so, individuals are discouraged from growing and becoming more than a label.”

Yes I do just mean family. I remember even N appreciating my independent present moments to myself and they don’t seem to bother my friends as they are often the same way. My dad feeds of of pointing this out on me. When on vacations and there is an option of two places to eat, if I prefer one, I will speak up, but I don’t complain to do the other. It is just often my siblings don’t really express what they want, so they don’t get it, then I do because I expressed it, then they call me selfish. Once on vacation, my little sister was hungry, so I texted the family group chat if we could make a reservation, my dad said ok and we all met up. Once we made it there, my little sister decided she only wanted ice cream…haha but me and my other sister ordered a meal. In that moment, that my sister ordered ice cream and I ordered a meal my dad accused me, infront of everyone “wow you are so selfish you just organized this whole reservation and all of us meeting so you could eat dinner?” I literally before I could defend myself, feeling so just not seen at all, the reason I began the reservation process was because my little sister was too afraid to ask my dad for something so I did it for her. My sisters did have my back and say “no we were all hungry” but my dad did not let it go. Later I said that I did not like how he accused me of something I did not do, and was not, and his response “I didn’t make you feel anything other peoples words don’t make you do anything, your interpretation is why you feel.” my sister and I looked at eachother like what did he just say?? reminds me of N’s exact words.

“Seaturtle who wants to hide in her shell“- she is too magnificent to hide in her shell for long!

-Thank you for the smile 🙂

“but never humbly, as in saying: you are right, Seaturtle. I was wrong… unless his PR agent thinks it will serve him well to fake the latter approach, is what I am thinking.”

Exactly, yes literally his “PR agent,” that is funny! What I find interesting is that I am getting more skilled at spotting his PR self, versus his authentic self, and when I confront him he sort of glitches… changes the topic to one he sounds smart it or you know when someone looks up with their eyes…calculating.

“– I guess he was very flattered by what you said and rewarded you for flattering him (this is in line with his PR agent’s policy). Do you mean that when you lived with him, you used to flatter him but he did not respond similarly to the above?”

I mean like I would do or say something to flatter him, I had to do this in order to get him to send me my tuition money for college… I had to show appreciation how he wanted it and I knew I was playing the game to get what I needed but I didn’t care. I preferred an authentic relationship but he was the one that didn’t want it so I played his game. But he wouldn’t respond love bomby then, he responded much more mild with a simple I love you or thank you/ your welcome. Now that I don’t rely on him financially it is like he is more exaggerating his appreciation of my flattery. Maybe because it means more since he knows that I don’t need to do it to get tuition or anything from him… I did always suspect our relationship would be slightly better once I didn’t need him for things because it was the needing of him that he wanted but also didn’t like…like he wants me to need him but he also thought I was using him. This is similar to N! they are flattered when I need them, but they also feel taken advantage of when I need them…

“your posts did not bring me down because I know that even when you are going through a difficult time, you are resourceful and your 3rd eye chakra is open….the Seaturtle who wanted to hide in her shell in the closing of your first post today, was out of her shell, curious to see/ learn new things only 18 minutes later..”

Thank you for pointing this out. I wonder why I feel the need to make sure I don’t bring someone down, maybe it is because of what I wrote above, how my mom has done that to me and I know how it feels.

Seaturtle