Dear Daphne,

happy belated New Year to you too! I am sorry for not responding and for disappearing again… it’s my health issues and health anxiety that I am struggling with, and it kind of takes away my capacity and focus to write here on the forum.

I am sorry about the religious man. Yeah, the fact that he wasn’t keeping the conversation alive was a sign that he wasn’t really interested. He never replied to the video you sent him, and then he ghosted you, until you inquired how he was 3 months later.

Did I make a mistake by waiting for him and not asking directly if he wants to go out again with me? Was he not interested enough in me or just not sure of my interest level?

It’s okay that you weren’t pushing it, because it wouldn’t have been any better. Honestly, I think he wasn’t interested enough, because otherwise he would have replied to the video you sent him and kept the conversation going, perhaps asking you on a second date etc.

Or maybe I scared him by saying that my fiancée passed away many years ago? (afraid that I won’t love again)? He asked if I could ever love someone new. I told him that yes & that divorce is also a death of a relationship but not sure if he thought the same way. Maybe I opened up too much about my past?

I don’t think you shared too much about yourself. What could have been off-putting for him is that you said that he shouldn’t be in touch with his ex wife (I told him that divorce is also a death of a relationship). Perhaps you also expressed a veiled disappointment that he has a close relationship with his stepson (I told him politely that I want to focus now on creating life with someone new and not live their past.) So perhaps he felt that you are sensitive to him talking about the people in his past, and caring about his stepson, and this was a red flag for him.

But as I said, I think you reacting like that is the consequence of your childhood wound, having been abandoned by your father. That’s why you want the man in your life “all for yourself” and you are worried if they have any other major interests – because that seems like they are betraying and abandoning you. Do you think this could be the case?

I’m hoping to meet someone who is not afraid of those emotions but sometimes I’m the one running. I realised that I can’t handle emotionally the constant chats on WhatsApp or on the phone. Why is that? I feel overwhelmed if there is too much exchange as well. Maybe it is the introvert in me and nothing to do with the childhood?

Well, I too don’t like to chat to the person I love – I prefer to talk over the phone because it’s easier and the communication can be deeper than over chat. Chat can be exhausting because it takes a lot of time to write down everything I want to say 🙂 So I prefer talking on the phone for a deeper, smoother communication.

But if you feel emotionally overwhelmed during a chat, maybe it’s the content of what the person is saying? You said that with the religious man, you felt that the conversation was emotionally draining when he was talking about his stepson and his ex-wife (I told him politely that I want to focus now on creating life with someone new and not live their past. He should learn from it by now. It was a bit emotionally draining for me…). So perhaps that particular conversation was emotionally draining because it triggered strong emotions in you (e.g. fear of abandonment, jealousy)?

Maybe it is the introvert in me and nothing to do with the childhood?

I’d say that if we get triggered often in our communication with a potential partner/date, it’s most probably because we have a lot of unprocessed emotions, stemming from those childhood wounds. I don’t think it’s necessarily the issue of being introverted, because introverted people also like to have a deep bond with their significant other. They are not afraid of too much emotional intimacy. So I believe it’s more to do with those unprocessed emotions and wounds, than with being introverted.

Dear Dafne, I think I’ll stop here for now. I hope you are fine. Thank you for checking in on me, and I am sorry once again for responding so late…