Dear Seaturtle:

“Ever since the text exchange I feel like stress/worry was slowly encroaching on my third eye“- there is no doubt that during the exchange, his purpose was to hurt you, and he succeeded.

“What was I thinking? Enter N’s territory so that he could show me more contempt?“- the spider/ fly analogy definitely fits the situation since the breakup, if not before.

“The idea of not seeing him again, relieved me“- yes, it’d be sticky and stressful to get caught in a spider-web of contempt.

“My roommate also said ‘the text exchange showed his maturity, but it was also you initiating it, you entering places for him to harm you.’ This hit my hard, me putting me in those situations, it was under my control to do this. I felt empowered when I realized the control I have over him harming me.. Thank goodness for M“-

– I am impressed with M’s input. True, it’d be unwise for the fly to knowingly, while in control of itself,  enter a spider’s web. As far as N’s maturity, M is correct: he acts immaturely, at least post-breakup.

“A Teflon person like N and F, they claim to be simple, proud of their lack of needs, yet this is a complexity in itself..“- “lack of needs”? I am at a loss here.

“Third eye must rest sometimes right? So when it rests, how do I remember this, when only the children are awake, sacral and heart. I assume over time of the repetition, the third eye repeating to the children over and over until absorbed“- all chakras need rest, and nothing remains static when a person lives with an expanding crown chakra.. the children (heart and sacral chakras) don’t remain the same.. they mature some, over time.

“The guilt is great, it is something that took over me the last week, triggered by his messages. Probably triggered in the relationship.. he told me before that I didn’t listen“- this has been N’s MO all along, hasn’t it? You’d tell him (as kindly and well-intentioned as can be): you are X (X being something requiring improvement), and his response: you are X!.. not mature (pre-breakup)

“This brings me joy and understanding as to why you see me so well“- I have the motivation to see you well, and you were patient and didn’t withdraw (from our communication) when I didn’t see you well, giving me the opportunity to correct and see you better.

 “When I read this, I thought about how when I nanny this 18 month year old, me and her parents are telling her ‘that is a tree’ ‘this is yellow’ ‘that is hot, this is cold.’ From my understanding our formative years are creating this inner world.. Now as an adult, I am attempting to undo some of the inner world that was created incorrectly/misleading… right?“- yes, learning and relearning (expanding crown chakra).

“What would happen if a child grew up with no one telling them labels“- it will be chaos. Children need guidance, and there’s no guidance without labels. key is to give correct labels that make sense!

“This is amazing, I wonder what more you see now?“- because of you, my third eye sees better and my crown chakra is expanded.. because you were patient (and not aggressive or passive-aggressive) when I was wrong, and that gave me the opportunity to open my 3rd eye wider. You made me a wiser person, wiser than I was, that is.

“This is a bees knees moment!“- reading this, it so happens, made me notice a smile on my face, the first today, and it’s already afternoon.

2nd post: “I have always been a ‘coachable’ person… following instructions well… When told I wasn’t loving right, by my dad, I think I just looked at it the same as a sport, he’s right and I can be taught…”– this fits with what you shared earlier, that you were an obedient child/ daughter.

“I do know how to love – My affirmation.“- yes you do.

 “I don’t owe him loyalty. Although he does have a way of making me feel like I do. Even his words, he told me and my siblings all our successes are due to him, what we earn in life is because of where he started us. He loves the baseball analogy ‘you can’t say you hit a home run if you were born on third.‘”- his housecleaning sessions were about him being self centered and selfish, not about you being these things.

 “Although I know this I still feel it engrained in my ‘inner world’… Getting rid of these road bumps/these untrue messages, is the hard part that I am trying to do now…. how do I get rid of these bumps, now that they are spotted“- there are excellent exercises in doing just that, part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). There are worksheets on the topic available online (I just checked).

“Having an ah-ha moment here; this is exactly what I mean when I say I wanted N to see me. When I said “my mom sees me, why can’t he?” this is the seeing I was talking about, or at least a major part of it, that I am loving. I am.“- yes, you are! (second smile of the day is on my face).

“This brings me to an ah-ha moment I had last night. I am watching a show called ‘the bachelor’ with my roommate M…  M made a comment to me, she said ‘maybe this is why you go for men that are not available to you, you like it’…………. (wide eyes emoji). I am now asking myself why do I find an attraction to the type of relationship where one person tries to get the other to be vulnerable… I wonder what I witnessed as a child that I don’t remember“- my understanding: living with F, you tried to reach into F’s closed heart chakra, soften the rough interior there and remove the Teflon (maybe you forgot those efforts on your part). Fast forward, Teflon-minded N (with heart chakra difficulties) reminded you of F, awakening your motivation (hence the attraction) to reach out into N’s heart chakra, and remove his Teflon.

“Another ah-ha moment I had with M…  the ah-ha moment was that (N) began to create those experiences, by putting us in risky situations… he wanted the thrill… he put (his nephew) in the shopping cart then ran in the store with the cart as he stood on the rim and I was terrified it would tip. Somehow N’s Teflon is different than F’s in that sometimes N craves feeling, but maybe to feel past his Teflon he must enter into risky scenarios, whereas F is fine staying in a comfortable resort for all of his trips“- I think that N was/ is emotionally numb chronically, and his way of taking breaks from his chronic numbness is to put himself and others in situations that are physically risky.

This takes me back to your very first post on July 29, 2023: “I’ve tried to communicate about how I want him to compliment me, or be flirtatious. He tries, but it almost gives me an ick the way he does it“- it’s hard for an emotionally numb person to compliment and flirt in any way that comes across as natural. When he tried, it came across icky.

“My flirtation is lost on him“- again, numb.

“He often says ‘love is a choice’“- because for him, being chronically numb… love is not a feeling…???

* I did not respond to everything you brought up. Anything important to you that I missed?

anita