Dear Paradoxy,

I think you’ve got every right to be upset with your girlfriend’s behavior, because this is the gist of it (in your own words):

EVERY TIME WE BROKE UP, SHE WENT TO GO ENTERTAIN ANOTHER MAN.

Indeed, she wasn’t able to be without a man for even a short while, but immediately sought the company of her ex-boyfriend, for example.

Not only that, but she also took him in as her roommate and never told you about it. This was happening while the two of you were dating. It is definitely not okay and not fair to you to have her ex-boyfriend as roommate, even if they didn’t have any sexual encounters (which they did, as soon as you two broke up). Moreover, the guy was still interested in her and jealous of you (The guy was jealous that she was able to move on).

So this whole arrangement was unfair to you, it was inappropriate, and she lied about it. When later confronted about it, she gaslighted you that it wasn’t necessary for you to know (Her excuse was that it was unnecessary for me to know).

Another example is when a classmate of yours was making advances towards her, and she refused to tell him that the two of you were dating:

I told her to let him know that we were dating but she said it was unnecessary.

And then as soon as you two broke up (during one of your many breakups), she started sexting with him.

It appears to me that she cannot stay away from men’s advances and men’s attention. This could be a result of her being sexually abused and used for prostitution since her youth. In other words, it could be the result of trauma.

For example, if it was expected from her to have sex with men and if she received love from her aunt (her primary caregiver) only if she obeyed, it is possible that she only feels worthy if she is sexually available to men. Being with men maybe also gives her a sense of security. I don’t want to speculate, but the type of behavior she exhibits could easily be the result of trauma.

However, it doesn’t mean you need to tolerate it, because it certainly isn’t appropriate, it’s very hurtful towards you, and it cannot be a basis for a healthy relationship.

So when you say:

I should not have to be forced to put up with this kind of behavior from a woman who knows better

You indeed shouldn’t force yourself (nor be forced by her) to put up with her behavior. As for her knowing better, that’s questionable, because even if she rationally knows better, she can’t do better – because she is still playing out her trauma. Nevertheless, that’s not an excuse to stay with her, because her behavior is clearly abusive.

I would like to address what you said about her positive qualities, which as you said, make you hesitant and doubting whether you should give her another chance.

I cannot be blind to all the good things about her. The way she took care of me was on par with my own mother. Cooking for me, getting me facial hygiene products, taking care of my hair, giving me massages and etc.

always taking care of me, cooking meals for me, ensuring I was always healthy, and etc. I felt as if she was loving me like how a proper wife should and I very much appreciated it because women do not always do that level of caring for their partner.

This sounds like she was taking good care of your physical needs (cooking for you, making sure you eat healthy, giving you massages etc). She seems to have given you a lot of physical nurturance.

However, she wasn’t treating you well emotionally. She was hurting you, hiding her encounters with other men and telling you it’s okay that you don’t know about it. Basically gaslighting you.

She is the first person to have ever loved me. Not even my own parents cared for me the way she did. I’ve never been able to make any proper friends. She was the only person who treated me like I meant something,

She did care for your physical needs, and she always wants to get back together after you break up. In that sense, she is interested in you, she doesn’t want to lose you. You clearly are an important person in her life.

But the problem is that she is interested in other men too. You said she even developed feelings for the married guy who was paying her for sex. This could be a sign of trauma and as you said, of Stockholm syndrome even. But in practice, what it means is that right now, she isn’t able to be faithful. She isn’t able to reject other men’s advances. And that’s why she is inevitably going to cause you pain.

You said many times that her behavior is “stupid”. Well, every addiction is stupid. Every self-destructive behavior that stems from trauma – is stupid. I think that her behavior with men is akin to addiction – it is self-destructive, but it seems that at the moment she cannot control it.

If she wants healing, she would need to accept that she has a problem and then spend some time in therapy. But if she is blaming you for her behavior and telling you it’s not a big deal that she has secret liaisons with other men, and shutting you down when you want to talk about it (blaming me for her behavior and shutting me down every time I asked her listen to me) – then she is far from accepting that she needs therapy. She is fooling both you and herself.

She promised to help me heal but I do not think so.

She should focus on her own healing. She should admit she has a problem and seek therapy (I don’t know how open she is to therapy?). And you should step away from the relationship and stop exposing yourself to further abuse.

I wish you healing and hope to talk to you some more…