Dear Paradoxy,

And due to that level of self control, I am able to lead a much more normal life, with less pain and suffering. It’s just everything is dull now. .. It’s like I literally feel nothing. No pain. No joy. No sorrow. No anger. Its like I am numb to all of it. Do you understand what I mean?

Yes, I do. I think that’s called dissociation. It’s a coping mechanism – how we cope with uncomfortable emotions. It can be okay for a short while, not to get overwhelmed. However it’s not good on the long run, because as you said, you feel numb. It’s like being a robot. You can function and complete your tasks, but you are not really living, because you’re not feeling anything.

The problem is that we cannot selectively switch off just the unpleasant emotions while keeping the pleasant ones – we have to switch it all off. But if we do that, it makes us less alive and less fulfilled.

My father never said that, I actually heard other men say it, but my father said it through his actions.

Okay, so he did send you that message.

Besides you should know it is a common stereotype that society built of us men. Men are these strong unwavering figures that never cry and women are these weak emotional creatures etc. (I am exaggerating a bit but you get the point).

Hmm, maybe it was like that 50-70 years ago in the modern Western society, and still is in other societies and cultures around the world. I don’t know where you live, but in the West, this stereotype is no longer valid.

But I did notice remnants of this stereotype in your writings. For example, you said this about B:

She displayed all the characteristics that I was looking for in a good wife, excluding the stupid things that most woman do, like overthinking and not listening etc, which I did not mind cause I knew it was normal for women.

This is a negative bias towards women: that women do stupid things, and that it’s normal for them. That’s an attitude that you probably picked up from your father, and basically, it’s male chauvinism. You saw B through that lens too. And you actually used it as one of the excuses for forgiving her, because she, as a woman, cannot help but do stupid things. I am not sure if you aware of this bias, but it is present in your writings.

That is the type of view that society has normalized, to the point that women just choose to leave their man the moment they see them cry, cause they see them as weak and etc.

I don’t know of this new “normal”, where women leave their man if he shows tears. For all I know, women are happy to have a partner who is in touch with their emotions. Where did you hear or see that women don’t want sensitive men?

Men should be allowed to feel pain, but it has been normalized that men shouldn’t feel pain. Men have to hide their tears, show a strong face whenever something bad happens. And unfortunately, I am a victim to that too.

It was like that in the old times. You did say that your parents are old school (It is just that their methods are a bit too old fashioned. They are too narrow minded to accept change in life style.) So I guess they’ve brought you up with this outdated stereotype about how a true man and a true woman should be.

And yes, you are a victim of that stereotype, specially the part where you as a man are not supposed to show emotions and vulnerability.

Besides, I do not plan to let anyone see me in my vulnerable state of misery that I am in right now. It is just better this way.

Yes, because your parents told you a man shouldn’t show vulnerability to anyone… But there is no true intimacy, emotional intimacy, without vulnerability. I believe that a good, loving husband should be able to show vulnerability in front of his wife. It doesn’t mean he is weak, but that he has a beating heart and that things affect him.

That is very true, but sometimes, for certain decisions to be made, you need to cut out your emotions. I would not have been able to detach from B if I didn’t shut out my emotions.

Good that you managed to do that, because your pain was really overwhelming. But you yourself said it made you numb. So it’s not a good state to stay in on the long run.

You can’t really heal in this numb state (you said “But now that she used up all her chances and made me break up with her, I am slowly healing.) True healing will only come if you process this pain, slowly but surely, in a safe, controlled environment (in therapy). We can’t really heal if we have suppressed emotions.

Emotions such as fear and love and anger can end up causing you to make the wrong decisions, B being the prime example. Despite knowing that what she was doing was wrong, her fear and love for her aunt made her go along with her plan. Look at where it got her.

Indeed, emotions can cause us harm. If we fall in love with a wrong person, it can cause us harm too. But is the solution not to fall in love at all? Or is it rather that we heal enough, so we can recognize who a good, healthy partner is, and who isn’t?