Ciao Tee,

Ahh, right now my back pain has flared up again for no apparent reason, so I am not happy about it and kind of confused. My worry and anxiety want to creep in, but I am managing to keep them at bay. It’s like I see the emotion coming, like wanting to breaking down and cry, but I don’t let it take over. I stop myself from going down that path again… So we’ll see. It’s challenging, but I don’t feel totally hopeless and depressed, like last year, for example.

You’re quite emotionally strong and I admire your resilience to keep moving forward and managing this health anxiety. I hope it pays off.

Yeah, because you’ve been hearing all your childhood (and beyond) “look at him, why can’t you do better”. And you were only awarded for being the best in class – anything else was “not good enough”. So yeah, that’s the programming you grew up with. No wonder it led you to comparing yourself to others, wanting to compete, always feeling worse than others.

Yes that’s true. But let me tell you something, just today I went to visit kindergarten with my sister and cousin, It’s mainly health checkup day for kids. But even there what I see? Comparison. Literally even for their body not just their smartness. And I felt the same, it wasn’t only my parents, environment around me did play a big part as well.  And I think it’s a huge societal issue, people support people who’s already capable but doesn’t want lift other’s up when they don’t see a potential in them. How pitiful world is turning into??

It’s good to hear that you can stay in the present moment more, without the need to project into the future what you should achieve, and then immediately worrying that you’ll fail. That was really exhausting!

I am happy you can stay in the present moment more, and appreciate what you’ve achieved so far. You may want to give yourself an imaginary (or real 🙂 ) pat on the back, because you have achieved a lot. Good that you are slowly recognizing it:

Haha yeah I did gave a pat the back. But still learning I’ve found out this day and age being in the present is one of the hardest thing to do

Yes, absolutely! Starting from facing the lion at the country road 🙂 to being locked down in a container at an industrial complex, to living on your own since 16 years old, to finishing your degree and working in parallel, to being the youngest manager at your previous workplace, to many other successes… So yes, SereneWolf, you are incredibly resilient, and resourceful, I’d say!

Thanks for the reminder! I appreciate it. But just today I have this uneasy feeling like fr what the heck do I actually want from life? I took a pen and journal notebook but still couldn’t figure out

Because of the same reason as above: because we were not praised for our achievements, but were punished for even the smallest mistake. And that hurt a lot…

Yes that’s why even good and proud moments feels dull sometimes