Dear Tee,

“So if someone slaps you in the face, but then says “I thought it wasn’t important not to slap you in the face”, and then apologizes, and then keeps slapping you in the face, and apologizing… what would you think of this person?” I did not forgive her for the mistakes she constantly repeated, I forgave her for the mistakes that were different each time. But still I thought some people just deserved more chances to change. Me being blinded by love and hope convinced myself that she would change so I kept forgiving her.

“She has been slapping you in the face all this time, pretending she is oblivious, she “wasn’t thinking”, she “forgot”, she “didn’t think it was important”…. when in reality, she has been lying to you, manipulating you and making a fool of you.” They were not all slaps, they were different types of hits, like an elbow to the face when she opens the door or something, and the next time she kicks me in the shin while walking. By considering all the circumstances of her mistakes, I ended up being stupid enough to forgive her and give more chances.

“And your belief (which you adopted from your parents) that women tend to “do stupid things” actually came as a boomerang: because you believed she too is innocent and stupid, rather than manipulative and calculating.” I still see that you did not read what I said about my parents. This belief you stated did not come from my parents but from social media and real life experiences I’ve witnessed. Maybe it was false where u live, but this kind of behavior is quite common here. A belief/stereotype do not form with the influence of one or two persons, but a lot more people.

I’ve realized my mistake. Making excuses won’t change it. But why me? She had men who had a lot more money, persons who even wanted to marry her and offered her thousands of dollars. So why me? Is it cause I was so easy to manipulate? Why is it such a coincidence that she finally got a stable job around the same time that we broke up? I feel like God gave me this experience to teach me to be careful what I should wish for.

The break up in Christmas 2022 IS the breakup when the cheating happened. It just extended into January 2023 because my bday is Jan 5, which is why every bday will be misery for me. Yes you got the chronology of the events right, but we reconciled while we were in the country, I took her on a movie date for my birthday and a week later we returned to college. She didn’t seem like she was affected by what happened, but I assumed that she was acting to hide her pain. But the acting was a little too good.

“Oh and by the way, if you were only broken up for a week, but she kept messaging with the guy for a while afterwards, and even developing feelings for him – then this would be cheating on her part, wouldn’t it? If we want to be super “technical”.” Yes it would be cheating, but the issue is I don’t know the exact dates of her “cheating” and she said she doesn’t remember and since it has been more than a year, even my memory is not that accurate.

“So if you break up every second week, and she goes to sleep with another man each time you break up, it would be none of your business either? And she would be called loyal and faithful?” By her logic, yes. But I am not falling for it anymore.

I am just disappointed that I am so used. I feel hollow. Broken. I just found out that she already started flirting with a guy who she knew in high school and he expressed that he has some feelings for her already. And she told him that she is healing from a relationship that ended FEW months ago. The more I talk to you, the more aware I become, the more broken I get. Now everything feels fake. What if every moment we had was manipulated? What if all the happy moments I had were fake? What if I was being used the entire time? The realization is breaking me. I want to cry. I want to release my pain but I have exams and other things to worry about. In a week, I will be traveling to my parents’ place again and I cannot show them my grief cause they will ask questions. My heart feels so empty, yet I still feel so much pain. I do not miss her nor do I want her back, but I am just disappointed that I was being manipulated and used the entire time. I am broken by what I got in return for all the love that I gave her. I wish I had all the answers to my questions. To clear all the doubt from my heart. Wishing I could go back in time and stop myself from being stupid. But it is a learning experience. But what now? I have no one. Not my parents. Not my friends. I am just all alone. Like I was, once before. My suffering is all for me to bear.

Paradoxy