Dear Tee,

“And since you’ve never met the guy (you saw him only on the photo she posted on social media, right?), it’s safe to say that you know almost nothing about him.” We have had indirect interactions where I talk to him through B, cause B often asks me about how to deal with the guy’s antics. His pettiness and childish behavior says a lot about him.

After the incident at the resort, she told me she realized how I felt with the way she treated me. Bunch of bs cause she kept doing the same childish behavior despite saying she learnt her lesson.

I don’t see how that makes her stories bogus though. Cause based on my indirect interactions with him, the guy seems like an ass to me. He didin’t exactly falsely accuse B. It was an altercation with his friends (females) and B but the guy chose to believe his female friends over B (B is the youngest while the other girls are basically adults and they work together on businesses) and the way B described the incident makes it appear as if B is in the right but I am starting to get suspicious about that now since I know how she likes to behave in certain situations. But I won’t be amazed if B is actually in the right because the type of behavior she described from the girls are quite common and to be expected of females here (This is not a stereotype). But I won’t jump to conclusions without enough evidence.

“Well, he definitely was involved in your story with B, because you confided in him, you talked about it a lot with him” Well you could say he was the silent partner, someone who doesn’t actively get himself involved, just a listener.

“So maybe he called her to “justify” himself?” Hell no. The sequence of events occurred in such a way that he could not have cared about justifying himself, cause even if the chat is exported, he doesn’t know whether I delete stuff or not. He doesn’t know how much information B would have access to. And there were no allegations that could have incited him into calling B to justify himself, cause most of the fights are between me and her, not him. He wouldn’t be aware of what he should be justifying.

“As for the incident when you were sleeping and she contacted him, asking if you were cheating, it seems to me he pretended to be indifferent, kind of saying “don’t know, maybe he is (cheating).” Yes that is exactly what he did, but to be dumb enough to say I COULD BE CHEATING, when he knows that there is no one else more strict on morals than me and he knows how it eats me up inside when I break my morals. So to say that I COULD BE CHEATING is bs cause he is 100% certain that I wouldn’t cheat. We have known each other for 4+ years, there is no way he would not know that. And B with her overthinking self took that one “could be” circumstance to accuse me of cheating. Should have made the break up permanent then but I couldn’t bear to see her crying, especially cause I put myself in her shoes and felt that it would be unfair if a girl did that to me, so I forgave her, but I am right back at square one.

“It seems to me like an excuse – as if he didn’t want to admit to you that he doesn’t like her and that he did this to piss her off.” Yes it sounded like an excuse too, but I still don’t think he disliked her cause he would have told me a long time ago, instead he kept saying that he thought we would last for years. I know he would tell me cause I told him about the girl that inspired me to make a song and he misunderstood what I was saying and assumed I had feelings for her and he instantly told me that he did not like her vibe and etc. I do admit she has caught my attention and I am not amazed that he misunderstood cause the name of the song I made is called “The Search for Love”. This is also the same misunderstanding that convinced B that I was cheating (even thought we had broken up) and my guy friend’s misunderstanding also fueled it since they had the call in which she tried to confirm it. But the point is that he would have told me if he disliked B. And he kept saying that he expected us to stay together even before his first intervention, so he cannot just be being diplomatic. Maybe he lied as to not hurt me, but it seems unlikely and the truth is cloudy right now.

“That’s typical of her: calling you a psychopath when she was doing exactly the same: messaging your guy friend to ask if you were cheating.” That is the thing, the guy friend is also her “friend” through me cause all three of us went to classes together and we have had enough interactions for her to consider him as her friend in a way, while her friends are people I barely know. So that makes it okay for her to message my guy friend but I cannot message her female friend.

“So it’s her typical hypocrisy: lying and then accusing you of lying, hiding an ex in her house and then accusing you that you might be doing the same, stealing a private conversation and harassing your friend and then accusing you of being a psychopath!” The problem is that I have lied more than her, but the difference is that I only have small lies that were not meant to jeopardize the relationship (like telling the truth to my guy friend while telling her that I didn’t tell him), while her lies are quite large and had a very large effect on the relationship. So now she thinks the scale is balanced/more in her favor cause I had more lies and cause my lies have been more recent than her lies (but keep in mind that we had broken up already before these lies came into effect).

“Perhaps only because you went home, and she has your laptop anyway, so no reason to torture you?” Or maybe cause I was not in the environment to be entertaining her arguments and false accusations. I can’t keep fighting anyway since I have exams again.

“But she, your teenage friend, did well: she did tell her parents that you attempted suicide because of your parents.” Yeah no, I will always remember what she did. She may have had good intentions but the results of her actions are permanent. Now the members of church still look at me like I am a 5 year old victim child without even the slightest idea of what my experience is. I do not want to be remembered as the suicidal kid. If you are a friend but you still need adults to deal with friendship issues for you, then you are no friend. A real friend would try to understand instead of simply throwing the issues for adults to deal with. The fact that she just told the church people without trying to understand the situation first, ESPECIALLY AFTER TELLING HER NOT TO, just shows that she was just doing what is right, not cause of kindness. There is a huge difference. Especially since she failed to understand that it was just a FEELING, and not something that I would act upon.

Let me give you an example. If a friend says that he/she is going to steal their parent’s car and go on the road and ram the car into a wall to kill themself, she is the type of person to call the cops and have her “friend” arrested for “stealing” a car instead of focusing on the suicidal aspect. Did she do the right thing? Yes. But now her so-called friend is in prison, hating her and wishing for death more than ever. A real friend would try to understand first. I know that her intentions were good. But the outcome of her intentions are unforgettable and has left me with a permanent mental scar. I am never forgetting that. Even in my guy friend’s case, he may have had good intentions and I forgive him for what he did, but I am going to think thrice before I open up to him again.

“She was just a teen, Paradoxy. As I said, it was too big of a secret to keep.” Tee please. We have been teenagers at one point. We have hid much bigger things than just depression from our parents. She should not even be telling her parents this. She wouldn’t even tell her parents about her own secrets that only us kids knew. So what gives her the right for her to share my secrets? I understand that she had good intentions, but that does not excuse her behavior, cause even if the church provided me with the “right type” of support, I would still be pretty pissed that she can’t hold a secret.

“You actually attempted suicide. It wasn’t just a random statement or a joke.” A MISTAKE WHICH I ADMITTED AND I TOLD HER I WAS NOT GOING TO DO IT AGAIN CAUSE I LEARNT MY LESSON. If someone who has been close to death tells you that they regret ever trying to get close to death, they definitely mean what they say. I just told her that I was depressed and just wished I didn’t exist, but I am not going to act on that desire cause I know how it feels. I just wished I didn’t exist anymore. Like the person Godwin never existed in the entire timeline. Like no one knows that there was once a kid by the name of Godwin EXISTING. I wanted to be erased from everyone’s memories. I wanted to be invisible so that people wouldn’t see me as a burden. If she actually cared, she would have understood that death was not my ultimate desire. My death won’t change what has already happened. I have pride too, I wouldn’t just kill myself like that cause I would lose whatever respect I had left from others.

“Well, if you had been repeatedly saying that you’d bomb the school, and if you showed some other suspicious behavior, then she would have had the right to warn someone” The point is that I DIDN’T repeatedly say that I was going to kill myself. I expressed that it was a feeling because I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. It was a 10 MINUTE CONVERSATION that happened ONE TIME. LITERALLY ONE TIME. I know her intentions, but if she cared, she would have found out more about the situation before jumping to stupid conclusions.

“Is this what he was telling you when your neighbors threatened to call the social services?” No, at that time they pointed out that if they got taken away by social services, I would essentially be an orphan, and my little sister would be an orphan too and we might have to go through even worse treatment, especially since my pain was essentially emotional and mental, not physical. My parents did everything right, except understanding emotional and mental health. There was no real physical abuse or any other form of horrible treatment. So far, my rebellious self had to find out the hard way that my parents were right about most things. But the things they are still wrong about is mental and emotional understanding etc. Everything related to emotions essentially because they cannot understand it.

“I am glad that you are becoming aware of who the main culprit is: your parents, and I guess your father being culprit No1. I am glad you are awakening to this.” Yes, I am the way I am cause of my parents. But this is the same case as where intentions do not match actions. My parents had good intentions, but their actions were wrong. So why is it that I should forgive the girl who betrayed me but I shouldn’t forgive my parents for what they did? I already know that my parents are just trying to be overprotective of me, but their methods are harsh and wrong. And this is NORMAL in our community. I am not the first kid to be going through this kind of experience in our community. In fact I might be one of the kids that were treated the best. One perfect example is the family that lived next to us. They had a daughter and a son, and their father was the type to use his belt to discipline them. One such incident was when the father used his belt on the son for listening to rap music which contained a lot of swear words. Compared to that kind of treatment, my pain would be considered nothing. You may call it physical abuse, but that same kid is now one of the best neurosurgeons in America, so good to the point that his hospital created an entire new department just to accommodate him and made him the leader, and now he is married to the girl who helped him invent a new kitchen safety equipment that is used worldwide. In fact this guy is the exact reason why I am stuck doing med right now. So don’t get it confused. My issue with my parents is that they don’t understand emotions nor mental health. That is why my parents are always fighting each other, because they are unable to understand each other’s emotional and mental states. But their intentions were good. They only wanted what was best for me. They just don’t know the right method to help me, so they just do what they feel is the right method, even if it is the wrong method. I forgive them, but I will forever hate them.

“And so, the task at this point would be to simply acknowledge that what they’re saying is not true. The large majority of those claims is simply not true.” I need proof that they are not speaking the truth. Cause my dad kept pointing out how my scores are so bad and how I am literally the lowest scoring person in my class, barely over the passing mark. I can’t deny that. So with evidence like that, obviously I would believe him. As for B, she accused me of cheating, but now I feel like maybe she is right. Maybe I slowly fell out of love with her ever since I found out about her sleeping with another guy. Maybe the reason why I got inspired by the girl to make the song is cause of some unconscious desire/infatuation for her. If that is the case, then wouldn’t it be considered cheating? But the only difference is that I started paying more attention to her a month AFTER B and I broke up, and I got inspired to make the song a month AFTER B and I broke up, so that is the only thing keeping me sane right now, but I still have the doubts.

“Many other people are not pushing you away, e.g. your high school crush, who wanted you to cook for her.” Lol she ignored my messages and blocked me. (I only messaged her cause we had made a bet to talk again when she entered second year of college) and the girl I asked for help with the music software also blocked me, and when I tried to reach out to my old friends (those who showed me empathy at one point), they also ignored me/blocked me. My own classmates ignore me when I asked them for help with med studying. Another classmate thinks I am useless and does no work, and the others doesn’t even want to interact with me cause I always score the lowest of them all, so now I am basically too dumb to be their friend. Even the girl who inspired me to make the stupid song ignores me. If that doesn’t convince you, Idk what will but the list goes longer.

“Even the people you think are against you (like your school friend who informed her parents) are actually NOT against you.” Her intention were good, so I will forgive her, but I don’t want her as my friend anymore. Friends should be people I am comfortable opening up to, not people I have to constantly worry about spilling my secrets. Same goes for my guy friend, his intention might be good, so I will forgive him, but the next time I am going through something, I will think thrice before telling him anything. But even he has become hostile to me now since I found out about him contacting B. Unfortunately actions speak louder than words.

My empathy for my abusers does not affect the way I feel or act towards them. I understand my parents and their intentions, but I will hate them forever, but that will not stop me from doing my duties as their son. I understand B’s (twisted form of) pain and suffering, but I will never take her back or ever consider giving her another chance but I will still give the same basic level of care as I would give any other patient of mine (as for my laptop and stuff, I just don’t have time to waste my energy on getting my stuff back so I will deal with that after exams). I understood the church girl’s intention, but I am never forgetting what she did, nor giving her another chance to show her trustworthiness, and I understand my guy friend’s intentions, but I will still think multiple times before I tell him anything ever again. If you still think that I am giving my compassion and understanding to the wrong people, that means u didn’t understand a thing about me. But I will still work on myself.

Paradoxy