Hi SereneWolf,

Yeah, I am still a fan of caffeine, only “diluted”, with plenty of milk. Latte is almost like comfort food for me, so yeah, there is an attachment there, which so far I don’t want to break free from 🙂

Haha I agree, I myself actually enjoy Latte sometimes. Although sometimes I think I should start taking caffeine for a better focus at during worktime. In the morning time I always look so sleepy no matter how many hours I have slept.

Yes, physical affection is very important when we’re babies, because that’s the only language we understand. And if we are caressed and played with, and soothed and held when we’re upset, that means so much for our nervous system and our basic sense of safety. And also, the basic sense of feeling loved, because physical touch means affection.

My mother didn’t like physical affection because I think it didn’t come naturally to her – because she herself felt so deprived of love and affection (due to her own childhood). So she couldn’t give what she didn’t possess… But then she rationalized it by saying that giving hugs and kisses will spoil the child, or that it’s fake, that the person giving hugs and kisses isn’t sincere and doesn’t truly love us. So she rationalized her own coldness and emotional detachment, instead of admitting that there is something missing in her…

Yes I agree with you.. and it’s same like my father, my father thought even words of encouragement spoils the kids. Then hugs and kisses are far away lol

And to be honest it’s quite common here not just for my father. But it’s surprising for me I though mother figures are mostly affectionate but I guess not in your case.

it’s changing though (almost like since covid I think) My father would at least put his hand on my forehand when I’m working on my laptop and when I ask what he’s doing that for he’s like..To check if you got a headache or not haha

I have a photo with my father in his lap, when I was maybe 1 or 2 years old, where he is looking at me with great love and affection. But he wasn’t really a hugging type, and we didn’t have much emotional closeness later as I grew up. But he was never aggressive. He just didn’t protect me from my mother’s aggression, so that’s his major “crime” against me.

Ohhh! No physical affectionate from mother and even from the father side? Must be really hard for you. Yeah, your father didn’t stand up against your mother when he should have, just like my mother should have for me.

Actually yes, I myself used to be rather restrained in expressing physical affection. I think one of the main reasons was that I felt empty inside, I felt like I have nothing to give. But that was before setting on my healing journey. Now I am more free, but still not super touchy-feely.

Luckily, my husband is the touching type. He likes to give me hugs and back rubs, and I enjoy it like a baby 🙂 He definitely made up for what I was missing as a child, both in terms of physical and emotional affection. So that’s been a huge blessing in my life.

It’s kinda similar to me! Like now I know I have so much love to give. But sometimes I still do get this feeling of emptiness like I have nothing to give.

I’m glad you got touching type husband. You believe in 4 love languages? Because sounds like your husband’s love language is physical touch

Aw that’s wonderful! Your uncle must really like you and appreciate you a lot. I hope you can take it in and allow your heart to open up, to receive his love. Because he seems genuine in his expression of love, and you said you don’t like people who are kind in a fake way, because they usually want something from you.

But it seems your uncle is an example of someone who genuinely cares about you, so perhaps next time he gives you a hug, try to really receive his love and open your heart? (if you haven’t already)

Yes he does appreciate me. He trust me at that level that he put his power attorney on my name. and he told me that during my lifetime I have never seen honest and humble person like you. And he did a love marriage and my aunt is also very wise lady. So he told me He’s only vulnerable with two person. One with his wife and one me. I think he’s also one of the reason I got entrepreneurial spirit.

When she complains about work, what do you do?

I just listen. I don’t try to give her solutions and when she works late after that she drinks a lot and then get all “horny drunk” then I try that she could sleep on time so she can have proper rest. But it’s been like 5 days I haven’t even texted and neither did she

Okay, so she is someone who gets angry over small things? And she freely expresses that anger? While you get angry only over big things? But even then, you suppress your anger and you don’t say anything to the person who is mistreating you or otherwise doing something you find unacceptable. This is what you said about the incident when your nephew and other kindergarten kids went to the doctor:
I got so much angry but I didn’t want to disrespect a woman inside a hospital there so I controlled myself and stayed calm.

Yes she expresses her anger quite freely and I don’t. But I think it’s getting better

Just today evening I screamed at my grandpa. And I have never done that before! I talked back and screamed at my father sometimes in my teenage. But never to my grandpa. Even my father thinks twice when he has to tell him something. But today he was being rude with my grandma so I couldn’t help myself and I had a verbal fight with Him. He literally got up to hit me but I didn’t budge. Like if you want to hit me. But don’t be rude with my grandma like she’s nothing. Like he only likes when everyone is agreeing with him and my grandma disagreed with him so he got angry. So I think it’s another achievement for me

Btw, is she (your new love interest) the kind of person who speaks up for herself when needed, or she only vents to you, but doesn’t dare to e.g. speak to her bosses?

Naah I don’t think she speak up to her bosses. Because she would be texting me even while working. And watching Instagram reels while working. And she has quite a bad relationship with her parents she speaks to them only when needed.

If I remember well, your previous girlfriend (the doctor) praised you for being so calm and composed. But that was likely only a persona, because your anger is deeply buried. And maybe that’s why you didn’t like her, because you didn’t allow yourself to be authentic with her (and by being authentic, I mean expressing your anger too). So perhaps you felt that she likes your persona (the part which you were comfortable showing), but not the real you?

Hmm tbh I don’t think that was the reason. And when I’m with her I did feel that she is someone that is capable of accepting the whole me. I’m saying because the way she was talking to me and also many times she reassured me that I can have bad feelings and I can allow myself to be sad and angry in front of her. And I used to vent about things with her.

One thing I am hearing is that good friends leave when they find a partner. You had a certain closeness with her, a certain emotional intimacy, but I guess neither of you were interested in a romantic relationship? And then you lost that closeness once she found a boyfriend and moved away, right?

And with this recent female friend, she found a boyfriend and started talking about him enthusiastically, and you don’t like it:

Right. Totally platonic. And I did noticed that my female friends are good listeners than my male friends and kinda more empathic. So I tend to be more vulnerable with my female friends

Perhaps you are feeling a sense of loss of that deeper bond that you used to have – which always disappears when your female friend gets into a relationship? And also, there seems to be a longing for something you don’t have:

Yes I think so…

Perhaps when they tell you these things, you get reminded of the good times in your own romantic relationships – good times which lasted for only a short while, and only in the beginning. But then the anger, upset and anxiety would set in (at least it was like that with your LDR, with whom you stayed for almost 3 years, if I remember well?). So there seems to be a longing for a relationship, but also fear because it never turned out well.

Yes exactly!

You want something “light”, as opposed to “hard”, which you believe a committed relationship is. But “light” can only work with someone who doesn’t want to be committed (i.e. someone with intimacy issues, like you), or someone who is hoping to change you, like your ex did. She was hoping that you would get madly in love with her and won’t be able to live without her – even though you told her you have attachment issues. But she was hoping you would change for her.

Anyway, “light” relationship isn’t the real solution. It’s an escape from fear. And fear is lying to you that a loving, committed relationship is hard work and involves a lot of sacrifices.

Maybe it would help if you wrote down everything you believe about a loving, committed relationship and what it involves. Perhaps it would shed some light on the various (false) assumptions you have around it?

I’m thinking short term situationships would make me feel lighter and still have that sense of closeness with someone? Like Friend+Lover you know?  and it’s also good because now I’m also capable of travelling so I’ll be changing the places frequently. Then why tie myself to a serious relationship? Because I literally despise LDR now. There is no way I want a LDR with someone I really really love. I’d want her to be with me. Not far away longing for me.

Like think about it, If I’d be just dating a local woman from the city that I’m staying. It’s also good for activities and time spending outside the work. So spending good time together and some sweet memories and then say see ya senorita on the next adventure…

Sounds silly enough? lol