Dear Tee,

“That’s true, but you said you lost money because the guy wasn’t really doing his job but went partying (the guy we hired chose to party instead of focusing on the trading). So that doesn’t belong to the normal risk of trading. How do you even know he was partying instead of watching what’s going on on the markets?” We can’t actually point out that he was partying and stuff instead of focusing on trading since we don’t know if the failed trading correlates with the partying. What we do know is that it was his birthday month and he had been posting pictures of himself at various parties and with different women throughout the entire month, but only B knows the details. But like I said, we can’t call him out for partying.

“Has that brought any success? Have you earned anything?” Nope, the second guy just simply scammed us entirely. But since both of these guys were introduced to me by B, it would be reasonable for me to assume that she has poor evaluation skills, since she trusted them too easily. But besides that, she has promised to return the money that I lost in the investment, not sure if I can trust it but we will see.

“You still managed to fall for the kind of girl he was warning you about.” I fell for her because I didn’t want to be controlled by my parents’ stereotypes about women and I didn’t want to fall under their indoctrination. I believed that B was the exception and believed that she would prove my parents wrong. But obviously I learnt my lesson.

“So either you need more education and basically following your father’s instructions about whom to marry (light skinned girl, preferably from your religious/ethnic community). Or you need something else?” Not sure, I really don’t want to follow my parents’ instructions. I don’t want arranged marriage but at the rate things are going, I am starting to think arranged marriage might be the safest option. But I really don’t want that. I don’t want a loveless marriage. I don’t want a relationship where we are loving each other for the sake of the children and our parents. I don’t want the person to love me because they have to. I want them to want to love me. But at the same time, it considerably reduces the chances of breaking up/divorce. All I can do is trust in God and hope he has a plan for me.

My father was not feeling well yesterday, and I didn’t ask him if he was ok cause I thought it was the usual tiredness from his work since he is an engineer, besides me caring for him might actually end up biting me back in the form of more criticism or something. My mom was infuriated by me “not caring” and started lecturing me that I should be more caring and stuff and how she always cared about me whenever I looked upset. BULLSHIT. Forgive my language but she probably asked once or twice or thrice at most, and that too after I started Med. Nobody cared during all those years that I suffered. Nobody noticed the pain I was going through when I found out about my ex cheating on me, and now she tries to say she always noticed whenever I was unhappy and that she cared about how I felt? I felt the urge to blurt out these thoughts to her but I changed my mind cause if I open my mouth once, they will force me to open up about my issues and then go right back to criticizing me and etc. It is much easier for me to just say ok and move on. But it is the audacity that pisses me off.

I really think that I am an idiot ngl, cause I think I am starting to have an infatuation for the girl that inspired me to make the song, the song that my ex was pissed about and accused me of cheating on her. But because I am aware of how stupid it is, I don’t think I will pursue it. Maybe the infatuation is a result of my heart searching for a rebound cause of the breakup. My ex had accused me of detaching from her after I found out what happened in January. I had denied it when I was having the argument with her cause I knew that I really wanted to find a way to love her again despite the betrayal but it was difficult cause I was disgusted by what B did, but now that I know that I am infatuated with the girl that inspired the song, I am starting to think that maybe I started detaching subconsciously after I found out about her cheating. At any rate, I don’t plan to do anything regarding the infatuation cause I know it is probably my own heart manipulating me, but do you think I should act on it if the infatuation lasts for a year or two? Does it mean the infatuation is based on real feelings and not my own manipulation?

Maybe I didn’t learn my lesson after all….. Why are emotions and hormones so hard to control? Pain in my ass I swear.

Paradoxy