Dear Anita,

6 days since I came back to Warsaw – what a strange week this has been. Arriving here felt very pleasant, I liked the vivid energy of the city right away. Sadly the next day I got an ear infection and I’ve been struggling with it since ( now its a lot better but I still feel a little off ). It took me less than 48 hours to feel like I regret leaving Spain to come here. In Spain I had (some) work and (some) privacy. Here, we live with my girlfriend’s mother in a small flat with no doors. ( I guess.. no privacy ). I knew all this before taking the decision to move back here – I lived in this flat, in these circumstances for more than half a year and I hated it always. Still, I decided to come here anyway. Not having a job also doesn’t make things easier.. having to manage a lot of free time has never been my best asset.

Now.. as I was saying.. I knew I have to live with my girlfriend and her elderly mother and I took that step anyway. Now, I am quite uncomfortable and often I regret coming back here and I don’t see myself being here much longer. At least, not like this. Of course, If I get a job and a decent income we would be able to rent something of our own.. but that could take a while.

The expected, happened. My girlfriend was telling me a few days before leaving Spain together – ” I’m afraid the moment we touch down you’ll start hating it again and you’ll start complaining about how bad it is to leave with my mother ”.  Well, right she was. And, I must’ve known that.. but somehow blocked it, covered it? How did I become so unaware of those months of hating being in an uncomfortable place? Why would I trick myself into it.. unless I.. subconsciously wanted to experience that?

Oops. Feels like I’ve hit the nail in the head. Now.. what kinda freeko am I?

To be honest, since I came back I felt very disappointed in myself. I felt like I should’ve know better by now. Also, I felt like maybe I overestimated my awareness and ability to put things together. I often felt pretty confident that I am growing in a healthy way and I’m making some great progress… but these days I felt like maybe I was wrong. Maybe I wasn’t as clever as I thought I was.. and maybe I failed a little.

I feel like for years I’ve been living in the jungle and at early age I’ve lost my way. However,  I didn’t give up. I kept going and learning new skills. I trusted my compass and I started making progress.  Now, I’ve just realised I’ve been walking in circles all this time.. I’ve reached again the same spot. – this is how I’ve been feeling these days.

I am a cocktail of mixed feelings right now. Part of me regrets my decision to come here and the other part keeps telling me that I should trust my decision. I’d like to believe I decided based on my intuition – as I often do. So here I am now, not having a f*cking clue about anything anymore. I feel ashamed of my stupidity.. leaving Warsaw because I didn’t want to be here anymore and after 3 months come back here because I didn’t want to be there anymore. And I tell myself I came back here in order to be with my woman. I’m sure there’s more to it. I feel like I’m missing something. There is something I don’t see.. I don’t quite see the bigger picture.

Of course, I could always ask my previous landlord if I could have my old room back and go back to live in Alicante..which I’ve been considering these days. All this starts to look more and more.. like a game of ping-pong.

I do trust the process.. I always did.. but this time I feel like I’ve drifted a little bit too far off the track. Maybe I’m wrong.. and all this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Either way… what a freak show this is. Really!

I feel like I need to shake myself up a little.. I’m fed up with the way I’ve been handling things lately.. I’m really fed up and I feel like I can’t go on like this anymore. Some steps need to be taken in order to move on – because I gotta move on.. I can’t go on like this any longer.

Maybe its the way I look at things. Maybe all my routines, workouts, meditations, breath work sessions don’t really make up for my negative mindset? Maybe I’m not seeing the positive things or the growth opportunities in my current situation? But.. what would I learn from living in uncomfortable circumstances?

Interesting note to finish on I think… I will write soon again…

Hope to hears from you soon Anita! Take good care!

Robi