Hi Tee,
How you doing?

Sorry for little late reply.
I finally started my travel journey! Yaaaaay!
I started with world’s tallest statue, Statue of Unity. It was so much fun.

It could be that if they don’t pick up immediately that something is bothering you, you feel unseen by them, and you conclude that your needs don’t matter to them, and that they might hurt you (maybe it’s not even conscious but unconscious reasoning). And from that moment on, you are on guard and you start distancing yourself.
If so, it means that a minor slip on their part leads to a major danger alert going off in your subconscious mind. And so you switch to defense mode, where you are on alert for being hurt. And in order to prevent being hurt, you preemptively withdraw and stop being open and vulnerable. This is what might be happening.
The reason for that is the old trauma, which causes you to make a big deal out of a minor issue. And to put up your shields.

Okay I think this is moderately accurate. I do think that’s what might be happening

What happened in your childhood is that your mother didn’t really care about your emotional needs: she didn’t care if your father’s anger outbursts hurt you. Moreover, she told you to accept it without any resistance. She basically told you your emotions don’t matter (in this case fear and anger), and that you should be able to control your anger and pretend that it’s not there. She told you that you should silently take the verbal “beatings” and be a good, obedient boy.
In other words, your mother didn’t have much regard for your emotional needs. She didn’t let you have boundaries. Or to be rightfully upset for being mistreated. And it felt horrible. It felt like a prison. It felt so horrible that you left home at the age of 17.
She didn’t let you set boundaries, and so you didn’t get the chance to learn how to set boundaries. The only way to protect yourself from being invaded was to leave. To remove yourself from the situation/relationship completely.

Again accurate. Because boundaries felt like I’m being disobedient. Not a “good” in their perspective. So it was nearly impossible for me to put my needs first than that others.
Like okay I started travelling yet somewhere I’m feeling guilty I’m not spending time with my siblings and family, specially my sister since she gave birth to a baby boy. even though I spent 3 months at my hometown. They told me to stay and like take care of my sister but still just listening to my grandpa nowadays boils my blood he’s old and sick so I don’t like to disrespect so I just wanted to leave. I did what’s good for myself. I raised my voice. Yet still I feel guilty for that.
I had to told them even though I’m doing a remote job. I need lil more peaceful environment to focus on work and at home I can’t do that.

So this is I think what’s happening: in a romantic relationship, when you feel that the person doesn’t care about your needs – and it could be that even a minor thing can trigger such a feeling – your knee-jerk reaction is to want to leave the relationship. Even if you don’t leave physically, you start withdrawing emotionally, and the intimacy is lost for you. Intimacy is not an option any more.
So instead of working to repair the relationship – and maintain emotional connection and intimacy – you put a stop on intimacy. You block it. Even if you stay in the relationship, you stay in a self-defense mode, with your shields up (we’ve talked about the shield/armor around your heart).

Hmm I see. Good analysis. I think it’s like the sergeant you mentioned before. Once he’s aware that there’d be an attack. All he thinks about is war. Not peace.

And I think one aspect of this self-defense mode is the superiority/inferiority dynamic, where you feel less vulnerable if you can feel superior than your partner.
In the relationship with your father, you felt inferior and never good enough. It seems that with a romantic partner, you never want to feel that way: worthless, unlovable, not good enough. And so you either avoid relationships altogether, or if you opt for a relationship, you want to feel better than your partner. Because that’s how you feel safe(r) from her criticism.

Yes and also because of that my self esteem went lower so like even if I get women out of my “league” (It happened most of the time, Physically or career wise) I’d just question my worth like how did I get this kind of women? She way better than me there’s no way this is gonna be long term. Sooner or later she’d know that she’s somehow “better” than me and she’d obviously choose something better and leave. And I think that’s where superiority/inferiority dynamic is happening. and because of that I mostly tried keep on edge and improving myself like lil better than her.

I think that’s why you also want to perfect yourself as much as possible before getting married:
[I said] Maybe loving hard also means that you need to work hard to be lovable? That you need to be successful, so she would love you (“she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good”)?
[you replied] Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too.
I imagine it’s because the idea of being stuck with someone who criticizes you all the time (such as a criticizing, judgmental wife) is unbearable.
But I think also the idea of being stuck with a woman who is full of faults, who is unaware of her issues and refuses to work on herself – is equally unbearable to you:

Yes Exactly
I just don’t want to deal with the women who aren’t even self aware about their traumas and not actively working on it. Because effort is something that really attractive to me. Kind of a priority.
In your last post you said the girl should be similar to you:
I don’t think that some damaged people but hmm more like someone I can resonate with a little, Not too much different from me so it would be easier to open up for me.
Putting all this information together, it seems to me that your perfect partner is someone who has similar issues, i.e. someone who similarly like you doesn’t feel good enough and wants to “perfect” herself.

Ah right Eureka moment haha! You right she kind of “Fulfil” those criteria and that’s why I felt good with her

Now this latest girl has issues as well, possibly some similar to yours (anger), but overall, she has bigger issues than you in terms of mental health. She also seems interested in working on herself (she has been in therapy for 4 years), which is a must for you.
So right there you’ve got 2 potential attraction points: she has similar but greater issues than you, and she is (at least in theory) interested in self-improvement.
You also said she is mysterious:
I think I was curious because she seemed little bit mysterious at first. … She smokes, she’s dramatic and her anger is always on the edge. I tried to understood why she’s the way she is and I noticed that it’s just her coping mechanisms, At heart she’s kind and loving woman.
It could be that you were intrigued by her anger (because it reminded you of your father), and started hoping that underneath her anger you might find a “kind and loving woman”. So she would be someone similar to your father, and yet different: someone who appears rough and angry on the outside, but is actually kind and loving underneath. This might have been a hope and the excitement that your inner child felt in the presence of this “mysterious” woman.
Maybe I got carried away too much here. But in any case, I can see why you were intrigued by her, even if she appears the “opposite of what you like” (another friend told me how she is opposite of what I like).

Yes that could be also the thing. But nowadays who wants to show their true self? She mentioned few times how hard it is for her to open up and being vulnerable. But she makes me angry too. Like on Weekend she texted like She missed talking to me. I replied who’s stopping you? and then she replies me for that 2 days after with a funny IG reel. And I have much better things to do than focusing on someone like her who isn’t sure of anything and changes colour like a chamaeleon. Like I’m exhausted with dating games. Like if it’s a Yes or no. and confusing vibes. With Casual I can at least be straight forward and clear like hey I’m working on myself and I can’t commit with you for a full fledge relationship but I wouldn’t mind spending a good time with you if you’re okay with it. I want clear and straight forward things. NO BS. That way there’s also good possibility of gaining a friendship first which is must having a good time or like you know not feel alone since we’re all social creatures. And from friendship there’s also good possibility of deepen the relationship if things go well. Because I know my intentions are good and I’d prefer the same from her. and another pattern that I noticed is that if I’m good friends with a person I’d try be vulnerable with them more easily

But just because this recent woman which I barely talked to her for like 2 weeks. We can’t say that I’m attracted to troubled people. Can we? But yeah she’s more troubled that’s for sure.
Well, you were attracted to a troubled person in the past (your first LDR), with whom you stayed for more than 3 years. And you said she was your best LDR.
Maybe I am looking too much into this, and I apologize if I am talking nonsense. But still, here’s what I am thinking: perhaps the reason why you considered her your best relationship is because she fulfilled the 3 criteria that I listed above: 1) similar but greater issues than you, 2) openness (at least declarative) to self-improvement and change, and 3) openness to being coached/helped by you, as someone who is “further along” on the self-development journey? Perhaps these are the “attraction points” that make you fall in love with a girl?
Please note: this is just an assumption. Think about it, and see if it resonates at all. If yes, then it’s kind of a formula of how you fall in love, a formula which is more or less based on self-defense. It doesn’t really allow for intimacy and vulnerability.
Let me know what you think. And I apologize if I went overboard with my assumptions and analysis.

I like the word “Formula of How I Love” and no you didn’t go overboard and I request that you do. I’d prefer a brutal honestly.
I mean it may have been somewhat true in past but I think now my formula of love has been changed. Or I at least have to meet someone so I can experiment/explore about this further.

But I thought about it a lil and let me tell you things what kind of women attracts me the most or like kind of feeling of melting for her (Is that similar to love?)

Similar life values & Someone who have the same priorities so we can support each other in our goals/shared goals
Honesty & Trust – For me Love comes after those two things
Feeling of Unconditional love – I know in past and also from my childhood I mostly felt ‘Conditional’ love. So I want to have proper feeling like what actually feels like when a person loves you unconditionally.
I want to mention that in my 1st LDR I did feel unconditional love but not the level of reassurance that I’d like with that so it was a shaky feeling

Kind to others (Specially animals)
Empathic (Thanks for making me realize value for being empathic)
Have some passion
Creativity – I know I’m not that much creative person but I absolutely admire various kind of arts. So l like Art (Woman) creating an Art? How awesome is that? Another thing Is that I don’t know if its true or not but I think creative woman would be better at expressing her emotions. Something I can learn from her
And above all someone who values of words and even more the actions. Because again Efforts are sexy. Show me how you love instead of just saying things.

I know relationships aren’t about transactions. But I’m expecting these things because I know I can provide those things.