Hi Clara

It is good to hear that you weren’t hurt and feel supported. I say the following with love and for your desire to work on yourself. I’m not trying to criticise, but illuminate issues that you may not be aware of.

I would recommend reading online to learn more about verbal and emotional abuse. It is not just the basic things. Swearing, threats, gaslighting. There are a lot of different behaviours that are considered unhealthy. It is pretty complex. It would be helpful for you to learn about these things.

It may take working with a therapist or a couples counsellor, to work through and figure out all of the more subtle issues in the relationship.

Out of what you have just said. It is both unhealthy for your partner to refuse to talk about issues (for a prolonged period, it is perfectly healthy to delay the discussion for a short time to when it is more suitable) and also for you to ignore her feelings and to discuss them anyway.

The thing about insecurity is, it is not something that your partner can make better long term, they can only provide short term reassurance which doesn’t resolve the problem. The insecurity persists inside you. For example, what triggered this whole situation between you two? Asking your partner if she still had feelings for you. Insecurity. Feelings of insecurity are very difficult for partners to deal with. It may not have been as intense or constant, but these feelings have persisted throughout the relationship to varying degrees.

And of course, your feelings of insecurity are likely a trigger now for your partner because of the difficult first year. Every time you express insecurity, she may be reminded of those issues that occurred between you.

Overreacting when your partner comes home late from work. Insecurity and unhealthy. Working late is pretty common.

It is not a partner’s job to make you feel better about insecurity. It is your job to heal and learn to overcome these feelings.

I went through a situation where my partner was in contact with two long past exes while we started dating. I was in contact with my recent ex when we started dating. Neither of us have problems with insecurity, so neither of us made a fuss about it. We just gave each other the time to work through things. This is the difference between insecurity vs no insecurity. It is not the situation that is bad.

The intense emotions, the insecurity a problem to work on.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏