Hi Clara

Yes, you are spot on there. It is common for unhealthy behaviours to come out when people are arguing.

It really is complicated and a lot to learn when you were not brought up in a healthy way. It is not your fault that it isn’t intuitive. Parents have to teach children healthy ways to communicate and manage emotions. You were simply not taught these things because your father did not know how to do them for himself.

I was abused as a child and had to learn all of this too. It is hard work, but 100% worth it.

I think that honestly reflecting and learning and growing is a pretty amazing achievement and that is 100% on you as a person. You should be proud of that. I have faith that you will continue to do this and you will reap so many benefits. As Anita said, you are a good person.

Your fears were understandable, but they aren’t entirely logical. They forgot about the situation that you were in, which was sometimes people date someone when they are ready to move on, and they will not return to a partner. For all of your pain and fears, she was never planning on leaving you and going back to her partner. She was just processing the end of the relationship. So in the end, your fears were just fears.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏