Hi Roberta and Anita –

Thank you so much for your replies. To clarify, these plans were a text conversation that took place over two days. I do think I have been pressing him a lot, but in many cases I’ve been glad I have. I thought this particular conversation was beneficial because he explained that he didn’t understand why I wanted him to be honest instead of giving an excuse. And I hopefully was able to explain my side to him.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on some other issues that I pushed him to reveal and am seriously reconsidering the relationship. One was that (NSFW) he mentioned that he often felt terrible after having sex in the mornings, like he wasted the entire day. And he began avoiding spending time with me to avoid this problem. In the past, we had many conversations about how I felt he wasn’t spending time with me, and he told me that he was just slightly depressed, bad at planning, etc so I feel blindsided by this. We were both initiating sex, and when I initiate I always explicitly ask for consent.

He has said that it wasn’t that he didn’t want sex, but that it made him feel unproductive and lazy afterwards. And he told me he would tell me if he ever truly didn’t want sex. These types of distinctions seem very important to him – actually a similar communication issue to when we were making plans. (“It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go to your plans, it was that I was tired and didn’t feel like doing the planned activity. I would tell you if I actually didn’t want to do something.”) I am trying to understand his perspective but really struggling.

I have felt very hurt and guilty in the last few days. I’m second guessing a lot of things he’s told me. I don’t think he has ever had any intent to deceive me, but as you said Anita, has some conflict avoidant habits that are creating problems and triggering my anxieties. I’m not sure how to move forwards.