Hi Anita,

Thanks for the insights you shared about the attachment styles.

Yes they fit her pretty well. During our dating, I think i felt our distance, probably due to her emotional disconnection, so I cannot feel the closeness(because she couldn’t get in touch with her emotions, how could I?). It occurred to me suddenly, that she has never shared any photos of me in social media, throughout the whole 5 years. I am not obsessed with social media, but there were times when she tagged her friends in her post, but when I checked it recently, I suddenly realized she never tagged me at all.

I think that also explained why I felt quite insecure, especially when she went out with friends whom I don’t know, and why I chose not to call her even when I was in distress, because at the back of my mind, I felt she didn’t want anyone to know that she got a partner who would be worried or anxious and call her at 1am in midnight.

Some time ago(year or years ago), she began not wanting to have sex with me and this has frustrated the both of us. The more she tried, the more difficult and frustrating it was for us. She told me (and herself) that she didn’t like it, and I trusted her, and that’s the only thing i could do. I told myself indeed there were people who are really more asexual than other. Only recently, in our more heated conversations, that she revealed she actually enjoyed it, but then she has convinced herself she didn’t want it so as to preserve our relationship(aka, the problem between us is gone, if this is how she was, so no need to solve). She brainwashed herself(and me) that this was how she was, instead of admitting that she wants something but it is not working, and that there is work to be done for us). Again, her avoidant, and non-confronting behaviour, created selfishness by leading me the wrong way, not deviously, but nonetheless selfish

The pattern you described 6 years ago, still feels similar to my feelings right now. Things seem to make sense but not too much sense, and that I have a hunch that there is something wrong, there is an undercurrent. The words she said seem to be logically correct but not emotional consistent. She said she cared, but she doesn’t think what happened to me with the break up. She said she wanted a long term relationship but what she truly wanted was the passionate feeling that inevitable dies down after some years in a relationship. Saying she cared and wanted a long term relationship sound better probably, she might have convinced herself that she wanted them, than wanting flings and doesn’t want to care, which is similar to what she told me when she lost interest in sex. This explains the hunch that I am having.

It’s interesting how each day evolves into a different insight. I think she might have dropped the whole thing but I am still consistently reflecting and trying to face it. I guess that’s also the difference that we are having.

Have a great evening Anita, thanks for your help always