Dear Clara:

You are welcome! I feel like I am getting to know her way better than I did before because of our most recent communication.  Things are making sense now: for example, why she chose to tell you “I don’t like you anymore“, and “I have no feelings for you“, as the reasons for the break and later, the breakup. When a person has no tolerance for difficult, painful, or just unpleasant feelings (can’t and won’t endure them for long), a person is not going to address and examine issues that involve difficult, painful or unpleasant feelings. And so, she didn’t address or examine any relationship issue, and instead chose to call quits on her feelings and on the relationship.

“During our dating, I think I felt our distance, probably due to her emotional disconnection, so I cannot feel the closeness (because she couldn’t get in touch with her emotions, how could I?)“- it’s like there’s a buffer zone between her and her feelings.

“It occurred to me suddenly, that she has never shared any photos of me in social media, throughout the whole 5 years..”- you shared earlier that she kept her sexual orientation a secret from work colleagues. Maybe she is ashamed of being in a same-sex relationship and tried to keep it (and you) a secret, or if not a secret (from friends) then she minimized it in her communication with them..?

“I think that also explained why I felt quite insecure,“- yes, some of her attitudes and behaviors would make anyone (who is not equally as disconnected and avoidant as her) feel anxious and insecure.

“especially when she went out with friends whom I don’t know, and why I chose not to call her even when I was in distress, because at the back of my mind, I felt she didn’t want anyone to know that she got a partner…“- there’re buffer zones between her emotions and within her social life. I think there’s shame within her, a rejection of herself.

“Some time ago (year or years ago), she began not wanting to have sex with me… She told me (and herself) that she didn’t like it… Only recently, in our more heated conversations, that she revealed she actually enjoyed it“- shame kills joy, but not completely, not all the time.

“She brainwashed herself (and me) that this was how she was, instead of admitting that she wants something but it is not working, and that there is work to be done for us“- so, instead of saying something like: I like sex, let’s work on my shame about it, she said (before admitting that she enjoyed it): I don’t like sex!

* This is similar to her saying to you I have no feelings for you, instead of saying: I have some difficult feelings about our relationship, let’s work on that!

“Again, her avoidant, and non-confronting behaviour, created selfishness by leading me the wrong way, not deviously, but nonetheless selfish“- yes.

“The pattern you described 6 years ago, still feels similar to my feelings right now… The words she said seem to be logically correct but not emotional consistent…  Saying she cared and wanted a long term relationship… (then) wanting flings and doesn’t want to care“- I suppose that’s why her previous on-again, off-again relationship suited her.

She said that she cared but buffer-zoned that care; she said she wanted a long-term relationship, but buffer-zoned that want.

“It’s interesting how each day evolves into a different insight. I think she might have dropped the whole thing but I am still consistently reflecting and trying to face it. I guess that’s also the difference that we are having“- you don’t buffer zone your feelings, you are tolerating difficult feelings while reflecting and trying to get to solutions to problems.

* The breakup: is it a problem or a solution to a relationship that had an expiration date from the start?

anita