Hi Anita

Thank you for your response. There are a lot of things to think about.

The versions of my life are the crossroads I was at. Should I stay in the abuse environment I was in OR reclaim my sparkle. I did the latter, I chose me.

I told my friends the story the way I told it to you. I don’t think they wanted to believe me. I don’t think they wanted to believe that he was capable of these things.

There was an incident where I was going out in the evening with my ex and I wanted to wear lipstick. He wanted to kiss me but I said please kiss me gently because I’ve just done my make up. I said I would take it off as soon as we got home which I did. Then he withheld affection from me for several days. Then when I called him out on this behaviour, he kicked me out. I told my friends about this and they said “oh it’s just because he wanted to kiss you, just don’t wear lipstick anymore”.

When I think about how he used to treat me, he was awful really. I was always on edge because he would always be finding things that were wrong. Silly things like I had cut the celery sticks too short or I didn’t hear him calling me when I was reading my book. My friends, they used to say to me “he’s a sensitive soul”.

I’m sorry to hear this about your mother. That must be very painful to deal with and process.

In terms of abusive words as a child, I never had them directed at me. I witnessed my dad being verbally abusive to my mum though. As I child I would defend my mum and protect my sister. I’ve always been very strong and sure of myself which is why I feel very ashamed that I’ve been with two men who I’ve let treat me terribly.

I have had healthy relationships. I had a marriage where the relationship as a whole lasted many years. We met young and ended up wanting very different things from life. I’ve had another very safe feeling relationship. The relationship I am in now is what I would consider healthy. I don’t feel scared and anxious and I can be myself which is great.

My thoughts that are ruminating on the past and I feel an anger inside me now for what I have gone through. I’ve been very busy with dance and I threw myself into my latest show as a coping mechanism.

I’m trying to focus on the positives. I feel very fortunate as I have amazing friends and family and I’m lucky enough to travel a lot. But there is a fine line between focusing on the positives and not processing things.

Sammie