Dear Clara:

“not sleeping too we…  I can feel the sadness in my chest so I sat with it for a while. Tears flowed out. I think I miss her. OR may be I miss having someone by my side” (Sept 10, 2024, following the most recent breakup).

June 9, 2016, following a previous breakup (I am adding the boldface feature to the following quotes): “I have ups and downs though, and yesterday I missed her so much that I went to her home downstairs.. I have been checking her and my fd’s online status (it’s really silly seriously) on WhatsApp…  I don’t understand why after so many things happened, I am not angry at her and still want her to be by my side“.

Aug 8, 2016: “I think this breakup has just stirred everything up, and this generalized depressive mood has been here for long. I am more concerned these days as I suspect myself of getting mild depression, because of the sleeplessness, low energy, losing interest in things etc.”- see the parallels between then and now?

Aug 9, 2016: “I have in general very poor recollection of my childhood… the reason why I remembered so little was because I have an unhappy childhood… There are times when I feel I need so much love from someone else. Guess deep down I don’t feel worthy of love… I was very alone when I was young“-

– Notice you wrote that you have (present tense) an unhappy childhood. Indeed, we keep re-living our childhood emotional experiences over and over again, as adults, until and if we achieve enough lasting healing and recovery from devastating, early-life, powerful childhood emotional injuries.

The breakup back in the summer of 2016 and the recent breakup of summer 2024, stirred everything up, everything, meaning: the devastating alone-ness, not having someone by your side, not having someone to love you.

Maybe this is an opportunity, following this recent breakup, to reach in to the child within you and invite her to tell you what happened back then, what hurt her so much, how did it feel to be so alone. Invite her to express herself, maybe here, on your thread. Type her words into the screen (or privately, into a journal), and be with her. Be on her side. Love her.

I never met her. But I have love for her nonetheless.

anita