Dear Nichole:

Indeed 5 months today since you posted last, and since my last reply to you (May 26, 2024). A little more history: you started this thread on Sept 11, 2019. Your very first post was on Aug 21, 2018.

“The sexual abuse is still hard for me to address with my brother. I have not felt an opportunity or desire to do this“- I understand, and of course, you don’t have to address it.

“My brother in Chicago had a wedding and asked me to be there so I actually seen my entire family for the first time in years. It went surprisingly well.  Most were very kind and seemed happy to see me. My aunt cried when she seen me. My cousins hugged me tight and let me know how much they missed me. I believe them“- notice that this very positive experience with your family took place during a special occasion: your younger brother’s wedding, and it happened after you didn’t see your entire family in years. If you moved back to Chicago, being in physical proximity and regular contact with your family, it will probably be a different experience.

“And I observed while I was there. I maintained my boundaries… This made me wonder if that’s all I needed to do from the beginning“- from the beginning, as a child, you were not able to form and maintain boundaries with your parents and older sibling (no child is), and when you were abused by them, it was not your fault (for not having boundaries). it was their fault.

“Or if this is something I can go forward with, with family…  It makes me feel motivated to continue building my life. Just with boundaries this go around“- having boundaries with people is necessary when it comes to healthy relationships. Others need to respect your boundaries though, just as you respect theirs.

“I have had some long and ‘therapy like’ conversations with my OB. He has opened up so much to me… I let him know after a really detailed conversation that I love him and want him to know I am here for him but really believe he needs to speak to a therapist. I put up a boundary and let him know that as he explores his past and continues to heal there will be too many things that come up that will be triggering for me since we grew up in the same household. I expressed that I am still healing myself.  I was proud to say that. He was accepting of that. I really do see him trying in ways that I am surprised by and I am hoping that as he digs deep there can one day be a conversation and apology for the abuse. I have asked myself if I am people pleasing in that. I know I am extending a lot of grace but I feel whole enough to do that at this point. Is that wrong?“-

– You were not wrong according to the scriptures I quoted for you in my last reply, 5 months ago: “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all… if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Roman 12). The way you’ve been there for OB is .. almost saintly. And asserting your boundary with him, as you did, is admirable.

“Also, I don’t know if bringing that trauma to the fore front would be good for me right now. I am feeling more content and peaceful these days. Still have my ups and downs but so much more manageable. I am at a place where I just want to focus on continuing to build my foundation. Finding out who I am“- reads like bringing up that trauma to the forefront is not a good idea.

I am glad that you are focused on building your foundation, finding out who you are: a good, honorable person!

anita