Dear Anita,

This response reminds me of how clearly you see things, and how I have learned so much from you. You put things into words that are like floating puzzle pieces in my mind and you connect them just like that.

“It’s a conflict within you.” 

This is exactly how it feels, like I am arguing with myself, and as my natural self is revealing itself, the conflict is the thought “stop this is too much expression!” “Look around only your shoes and backpack are out”

In these moments K has seen me start to go back into my shell and looked at me with curiosity as I am hiding in my turtle shell. He doesn’t ask me, but I admit to him that I feel like I have shared too much and I need him to reciprocate before I can reveal more. And as he starts to reveal himself, it brings me out of my shell again. It is so interesting because it is like this automatic response I have, to retreat into my shell, but I simultaneously know that I don’t want to and I also know what I need to come back out. K is very receptive to what I tell him I need to feel more comfortable, and not only does he not react as though it is inconvenient to him, he acts with admiration that I know what I need and he is happy to give it. 🙂

This neutral and positive response from him lets me hear this conflict in me. Rather than F and N looking at me confused and irritated, which only adds to what is going on in my head and I can’t even hear myself because of the new thoughts their reactions create “oh no I have shared too much” “now I am alone and over exposed again, why do I keep doing this to myself, I will share less of myself next time to avoid this.”

If there is such thing as a twin flame, K is one. He makes me feel safe in wounded places and definitely makes me feel challenged in areas I am stubborn.  He also had a similar childhood to me in interesting ways, both parents narcissistic, and emotionally requiring his support as a child. It makes for very similar experiences but with different perspectives, I think we have a lot we can learn from eachother.

Seaturtle