Dear Helcat:

You are very welcome and ❤️ back to you!

I just realized, right after I typed the above line, that this is how disagreement sessions between the two of you should start: with a ❤️declaration.

“During disagreements, because of my PTSD when I shut down and get defensive I am not that positive… it is just hard being vulnerable during a disagreement. I cope by numbing my feelings a lot“- Start disagreements with Love and Redirect back to Love during disagreements.

Three days ago, you quoted Nelson Mandel for me: “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it“- may Love Triumph over Fear in your relationship with your husband. May love dissolve fear and resistance.

“He is handsome, outgoing, intelligent and kind. He had quite the following but he had no interest in that type of thing at the time“- this is your husband, handsome, intelligent and kind, and how special it is that uninterested in others before, he is and has been  interested in you!

“I had never really considered the communication difficulties that both of our neurodivergence causes before. Language is often complicated because of multiple definitions of words and the personal interpretations“-what if you and your husband create Helcat & Husband Dictionary, (H&H Dictionary) including words, terms, and agreed-upon definitions..?

“He guesses how I feel and is often incorrect. About this situation he assumed that I felt fear. But actually I felt anger at the disrespect. I trust that he has no intentions  towards her. I was not afraid of that“- you can add an Emotional Chart to the H&H Dictionary. You can call the addition The Neurodivergent Emotional-Aid Chart.

“I think that when things are difficult between us it really matters to me that I am treat with respect“- there is no such thing as respectless love.

“I think that he is so hard on himself that it is painful for him and it is easier for him to blame me for his actions“- help him in the places where it’s painful for him. And may he help you in the places where it’s painful for you. (Painful Places can be part of The Neurodivergent Emotional-Aid Chart)

“I shut down a lot during disagreements and he has trauma with stonewalling in previous relationships. He confuses a short break to calm down with being ignored for long periods of time“- a Neurodivergent- Accommodating Watch can come handy (one to be designed by H&H).

“I know that he wants us to be a happy family and to communicate well, just like I do. I think that he feels bad for the mistakes he makes. Since we are already working on rebuilding intimacy, I will work on showing extra appreciation and praising him for the things that he does well“- extra appreciation and lack of criticism can go a long way in dissolving the painful places, bit by bit, one day at a time.

I am ending this post the same way I started it, with ❤️.

anita