Dear Helcat:

You are welcome, always! Again, I am sorry that you’ve been experiencing difficulties in your marriage for quite some time.

“She said that I attacked her. That I was trying to get rid of her and that I would try to get rid of other people he cared about next. She said that I was worse than her abusive husband“- her message, paraphrased (addressing your husband): it’s me and you (and everyone in your life) against the enemy (Helcat)!..?

“It turns out that he lightly defended me and said that I wasn’t usually like this“- wait, he meant that you are not usually like this, but sometimes you are like this (like this= attacking, trying to get rid of people he cares about, being worse than her abusive husband)?

“My husband told me about this and when I asked if he defended me he lied and said no“- could it be (it distresses me to ask this) that he feels that her accusations are sometimes true?

Please correct me if I am grossly misunderstanding the situation. My intent is to help a bit, not to add to your distress. So, if this conversation distresses you, please let me know and we will not continue it.

“He tends to want to continue disagreements and arguments for too long for me. He is a naturally loud person, so raises his voice sometimes. He tends to follow me if I try to walk away. He tends to threaten to leave me and say mean things when he’s angry. He never used to say things like that before“- never before because of his friend’s recent input.. in addition to the extra stress involved in parenting with no outside help?

About him threatening to leave you, you wrote a couple of weeks ago (Sept 28): “He also explained that he doesn’t really want to leave, and the threatening to leave comes from a place of trying to push me away before I push him away“, which made me think that the feeling behind his threats is fear. Most recently, I was thinking fear of abandonment, but now I am thinking that there is more anger than fear behind his threats, anger that you shut down and walk away during conflicts.. angry that you talked to his friend.. anything else that angers him..?

“You are very special!“- thank you. I liked it that in a reply to another member, following our special-exchange, you wrote to the member that he is special.

“I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t been sleeping well again. I hope that tonight is easier“- I think that I figured out why I stay awake for hours during the night: I THINK and thinking awakens me and keeps me awake. Last night, after thinking (about my communication with you, among other things), I repeated the words “silence” and “hush” and that led to eventually going back to sleep and sleeping longer than many nights before.

I am looking forward to your reply, and again, if the discussing the topic with me distresses you, please let me know.

anita