Hi Moongal,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. It has really made me think.

If I’m honest, I guess I know that I send confusing signals to people. They don’t understand why I can be warm one day and then isolated and shut off the next. I just don’t know what else to do.

You’re right about my self-worth. I have come a very long way in the last year, and probably love and accept myself more than I have in years, but relationships still especially bring out that insecurity for me. Pulling back is a way of protecting myself from the hurt that happens when I realize the other person just isn’t as invested as I am. Often that imbalance isn’t even their fault. Because of my anxiety and fear about making connections, I kind of start with a handicap. Something like saying hello or asking to spend a few minutes with someone I like used to give me panic attacks. When it takes enormous effort just to do the basics, it’s easy to feel perpetually unappreciated. Instead of realizing that being openly social might have been the hardest thing I did that day, people just wonder why I was awkward and left so quickly.

Some of my nicest connections lately have happened with people I haven’t had any expectations for. Maybe I can focus more on just having that genuine interest and enjoyment of getting to know people. I’m still confused about where that leaves me with my needs (hope that doesn’t sound selfish) but I feel happier anyway when I’m focused on the other person and not how they may be failing to meet my needs or desires.

I’ll keep thinking about this for a while. Thanks again and have a lovely weekend 🙂
Jessa

P.S. I like your flower avatar, it’s pretty.