Thanks, Marshmallow. You speak the truth! I do know the 5 stages of grief & loss and have cycled through them during the aftermath of this relationship. I’ve ventured into “Acceptance” only to be pulled back into “Denial”, “Anger” and “Bargaining”. I think I’m in a bit of denial still. Not so much denial that the relationship is over, but denial that this man I loved with all my heart is indeed a “prick”. I feel like I’m making excuses for him in my mind, or that I’m choosing to look at him with loving kindness and forgive him for the betrayal because I can sympathize with his reasons for his behavior. Well, they’re not so much his reasons as they are what my reasons would be if I were him, if that makes sense. I think the frustrating part for me to get over is that I spent months telling him I understood, that I would not blame him if he strayed because of the awful state of our relationship and that we could work through anything together if only he would be honest. And then for him to turn around and tell me no, he hasn’t betrayed me, I’ve got it all wrong and at the same time make daily overtures to win back my affections and urge me to see a counselor with him to repair this relationship. Why go through all that? Why continue to lie, cover up and deny when your partner is telling you I GET IT, I WILL FORGIVE YOU, LET’S MOVE ON TOGETHER? It’s almost like he is in such deep denial of his own behavior that he can’t even admit it to himself, let alone me. And then to find out later that I was right all along, it’s just exhausting. It makes me lose respect for him and feel sorry for him actually, but then the anger flares up and around and around I go.

I would also be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling jealous. Even though I had my own reasons for withdrawing from the relationship long before this other woman came onto the scene, it hurts to know his focus is no longer on me. I used to be the one to light up his life, the one he was excited about. What does she have that I don’t? I know these thoughts are due to a weakened self-esteem, it’s just such a stark contrast from feeling like somebody believed the sun rose and set upon me and how quickly I can be replaced.

I just don’t want to feel like it was all for naught. What lessons did I learn through this relationship? It’s really hard to say that trusting my intuition is one of them, because how did I get myself into this mess in the first place?

As you can see, keeping things bottled up is not a problem I have, lol.