Yoda,

To memories have you clung. (My best at Yoda speak :)). I’m sorry for the frustration and confusion, divorce is tough and so are matters of the heart. I think your wife is being pretty clear. Its over, dead, gone. Consider that even if something comes up down the line, it would be two strangers meeting. Old friends that just meet. Not “back, back, back”. Why do you want that back? You said yourself it didn’t fit. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First is that your view of healing is skewed. You have some great momentum going, and I hear the superman inside you looking sharp. But,you run to her and say “look,the sun is out, let’s be married again” and she says “sunny or not, I’ve seen too many seasons to trust us both not to fall.” And, she’s wise to keep that space open, you both made big mistakes that need to be addressed, wounds that need healing, emotions to settle, fears to overcome, on and on. The intimacy crumbled, and pieces aren’t just “better”, especially when you keep poking at her.

Consider an alternate view. Consider that every day you two are apart is is gift she’s feeling. Freedom, in tune with herself, but of course struggling here and there, as we all do. You do your verbal diarrhea and even though she was patient, it was still poop in her face, all sorts of pokes and prods to boundaries that she had to enforce. Not “wow,you look beautiful. Hope you’re happy! See ya!” as a little sparkle for her, to hope she has joy wherever she is. Then, those stories she is living in her space without you? If those stories are something she wishes to share, great. If not, can ya blame her?

Yep, a doofus, but also normal, usual, typical. I’ve seen it happen to many, both men and women, and just means “she woke up first”. Over time, you’ll thank her, offer gratitude for setting you free. Let go of her and keep exploring, and you’ll find a better partner. Wiser, more respectful, more playful, appreciative, genuine. You let a love die, and it stings, so in the future you’ll naturally take a more tender approach.

Now, about that momentum. Verbal diarrhea means you’re low on concentration, low on focus. Intending to be one way, then becoming overwhelmed by “whatever” and dumping messily all over. The good news is you’re a heart on your sleeve kind of guy, which polishes up nicely once you learn to aim better, stay poised. My recommendation is to incorporate a meditation practice regularly into your routine.

Consider that when we feel unstable or grouchy, like a balloon ready to pop, it means we’re not processing well. Not making the space for our thoughts and emotions to reside peacefully within us. We can make the space when we meditate. We move our attention away from our mind, focus the energy elsewhere. Metta meditation is great for that. It helps the mind become smooth and peaceful, as a wide open field of potential, curious, happy. And, more importantly, it develops concentration quickly. Gives you a little posture to stand up intently in the moment.

So what’s next for you? Our destiny begins to blossom as we accept our fate. So, not her. But what? What have you always wanted to do but have been held back/scared/denied/forgotten? Of the paths that you can take, what seems fun to do? What do you want to explore? Go do that. When you’re ready, you’ll find a partner.

Consider “bhante gunaratana guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested.

Namaste, brother, may you find your wings.

With warmth,
Matt