I find what I’ve really been struggling with the last little while is the much lower level of talking between me and her. I know that’s a good thing, but even so, I know how addicted I was (am) to hearing from her. As I said, all my feelings of importance got tied up with her pretty bad. I used to be the guy she ran to if she had anything to vent or talk about. I’m trying not to take the fact that she doesn’t anymore personally. She keeps things pretty private as it is and lives with her best friend, so not being her boyfriend anymore, even with that old connection, I’m not #1 on the list anymore.

I feel like if I can get past this addictive need to hear from her, I’d be doing way better overall. I’ve gotten better at not finding reasons to message her and as I said, she will still include me in group snapchat messages and the like. So while she is including me in those like she would the rest of her friends, my addiction keeps wanting more messages but just special ones for me, like it used to be. I haven’t asked her to stop those messages though as we’re in some of the same hobby groups and some actually are relative to my interests and others are of her and the kids, and even though that twinges my heart a little, it does make me smile to see them. These messages tell me, yes, she still wants me in her life, just not like it was before.

I accept that, but I have to find ways to get past the addiction and find new things to occupy my attention. I can lose myself in my art for a bit, but my mind is always tugging me back. I imagine it’s just like getting off drugs! I want to branch out into other things to fulfill my life, I’m just at a loss how to go about it, I guess.