Thank you for your responses. I will consider them fully.

I would like to face my fears and I don’t want to blame anyone for anything that has happened – not my job, not my girlfriend, not my parents. I want to take full responsibility.

My job was stressful, but I believed that if I could fake it, I could make it. Instead, my ego kicked in and my desire for recognition, status, and control created more confusion and havoc. Basically, my ego wrote a cheque it couldn’t cash.

Ruminant was spot on, my childish ways kicked in. I avoid stress, work, conflict, and basically any unpleasant feelings or thoughts. I tend to see the world through rose colour glasses.

What do I want really? I want to be fearless. I want to be authentic. I want to be who I want to be and not what my mind is telling me I am. I want the confidence to believe that I can do anything and overcoming any obstacle or set back. I want to be resilient and not become a child or cower under pressure or stress. I want to really care about people. I want to see their inner beauty and connect with them. I want to be honest with people and tell them what I really think and feel. I want to do good for this world. I want to be accepting of everyone and everything and believe in the goodness of others and see the best in everything and everyone. I want to be positive. I want to follow through on my commitments. I want to say “Yes” when I mean “Yes” and “No” when I mean “No”. I want to be productive and a good contributing member of society. I want to know my strengths and weaknesses and apply them accordingly. I want to feel connected with others. I want to wake up happy, energized, invigorated with a zeal and zest for life. But more than anything else, I want peace of mind.

I don’t want to be angry, resentful, hurtful, mean, apologetic, jealous, insecure. I don’t want to be driven my ego. I don’t want to be driven by status, money, sex. I don’t want to be judgmental or critical (of myself or others). I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to manipulate. I don’t want to be a people pleaser all the time. I want to stop searching for the next big thing that will make me happy or solve my problems. I don’t want to be so self deprecating and demand pity from others.

And yet the more effort I put in, the worse it seems to get. Forcing positivity, forcing relationships, forcing work, forcing love, forcing gratitude, forcing to care, forcing goodness, forcing generosity, it all seems to backfire with depression and anxiety.

This needs to stop and this needs to stop now! I have to get a grip and accept what is and just be happy with what I have and who I am.