Hi Anei,

I feel like I could have written your post! I am going through a similar situation with a few more complications thrown into the mix. In my situation, we were emailing conversations instead of texting. The last email I sent almost 2 weeks ago was to wish him a happy Father’s Day. I received a very short “thanks a lot, everything is well here” reply. And that was it. No inquiry into how I was doing or anything else.

I realized then that I had initiated the last 2 email exchanges…the Father’s Day one and an email a few days before it. Upon that realization, I told myself that I wasn’t going to initiate anymore because it made me feel desperate. I know that if I were to email him again, he would reply politely, but it would not be in the same tone & spirit that we had been emailing before. I would be like an addict going back to their addiction and getting a “quick fix” to hold me over until the next time my addiction kicked in. I realized that I would be hurting myself more by contacting him.

In past situations like this, I would fool myself into thinking that I needed to contact him and would make up reasons to do so. The result has always been the same for me; I was trying to put a square peg in a round hole that just did not belong. Now I have a mantra that I apply to situations: “What is done is done…this is what I know now.” For example:

What is done is done: He is not emailing me anymore and it feels like he is gone.
This is what I know now: I initiated the last 2 emails and it made me feel sad and desperate.

This helps keep me honest with myself and to keep me in the present, not thinking back to good times in that make me want to contact him. I know it is hard because I am struggling to fill the gap in my life that my friend’s departure has created. Many times a day, I want to email him and just say “Hi”. But then I think about the response I will get. Will it be one like our conversations before and show me that he is back in my life? Or is it going to be short and polite? I know how much it will hurt if it’s the latter and I’m not willing to do that to myself anymore.

I hope the Universe helps you to help yourself and that you find the peace you are seeking.