Jonny…

You have been having one chaotic and hellish experience, and I admire your courage to share with us. It takes a lot of bravery and strength to even own your experience, let alone be vulnerable and exposed.

Something that comes to my mind regarding the end of your relationship is: the betrayal of disengagement. I know this very well as I’ve been on both the receiving end and the giving end; and most recently the receiving end.

Here’s a quote from Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” that may help put the betrayal of disengagement in perspective:

“In fact, the betrayal usually happens long before the other ones (cheating, lying, choosing other people over us, breaking confidence). I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship… When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing, and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurts starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears – the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we CAN’T POINT TO THE SOURCE OF OUR PAIN (emphasis mine) – there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL CRAZY (emphasis mine).”

I had this betrayal occur in my life after being blindsided with the end of a 3 year relationship with my girlfriend, who I anticipated on marrying and spending the rest of my life with. She pretty much straight up told me she wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me any more. I can still hear those words to this day. Heartbreaking pain, utter darkness, and emptiness hardly convey my experience. While my girlfriend didn’t cheat on me with another person, she cheated on me with her work, which to her was way more important than our relationship. I too asked similar questions as you have: “Why did this end?” “What did I do wrong?” “How could I not see this coming?” “When did we become totally disconnected from each other?” I ruminated on these questions and the break up every day for months on end. I never got an answer and most likely never will, and that is what made the break up even more painful… because I will never truly know.

For quite a while I moved back and forth through the first 4 of 5 stages of Kubler-Ross’s Stages of Loss and Grief: 1) Denial and Isolation; 2) Anger; 3) Bargaining; 4) Depression. I isolated and denied I was affected by the break up. I yelled and screamed how much I hated her dragging me along in an empty relationship (although not to her face). I pleaded to god my willingness to give up everything in order to be back together, and I cried enough to warrant a flash flood warning. I did this for at least a year after our break up because there was literally nothing else I could do. Also, like yourself, I just needed to get my thoughts and feelings out.

Now what helped me get to Kubler-Ross’s 5th stage of Acceptance was a culmination of getting my Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from Naropa University (a Buddhist-inspired school); mindfulness/meditation practices (especially the metta practices Matt mentioned); and having the courage to express my hurt, fear, and vulnerability to others (therapist, friends, family, group process class). Can I say I’m 100% healed? Heck no! But I do feel more accepting of myself and my experience, and WAAAAY more compassionate towards the painful experiences which make me feel SOOO exposed and vulnerable.

You’re not alone! Even though I don’t know you and may never meet you, my heart goes out to ya brotha!

With loving-kindness,
Weston