Helen,

Once again you have given me a lot to think about and I genuinely appreciate it. I really don’t know how I would feel if he was to leave his girlfriend for me. I think I would feel guilty but deep inside I know he isn’t going to do that. If I’m honest with myself I know it’s not going to happen. So the question is why am I torturing myself. I’ve tried many different ways and times to let go, to try to distance myself from him, to only have contact with him on a strictly professional basis but it never seems to work. I always find myself drawn back into it all and he won’t let me detach myself either because if I was absent for a week he’d want to know why. I went to the gym the other day, no PT session booked, just to work out on my own and he came over and started chatting to me even though I had just walked in said Hi and gone about my business. I didn’t linger to have a conversation or anything but he came to me which leads me to think that I will have to leave the gym in order to avoid him. Part of me doesn’t want to avoid him because I really love his company but the part of me that is being objective can see I’m too attached and really need to let go some.

I do tend to torture myself with the “he did this, he did that, what does it mean?” and it’s driving me nuts. I really want to stop doing this so am really trying to take your advice. I have avoided bringing his Girlfriend up as him talking about her hurts me but if he was to bring her up in conversation I would chat with him about her and hide my jealousy. I have done that in the past.

I’m not sure if there is anyway to release this build up peacefully but I’m certainly going to try. I want to be able to let go and watch the flow of everything without reading too much into every little thing. I want to find that release and the strength to accept that this isn’t meant to be. I’m also concerned that I could be blocking out other potential relationships by having this fixation. I have been reading the meditation document you sent me and that is really helping me to see things in a different way. He is now on holiday for 2 weeks and while I am missing him, I am also going to use the opportunity for reflection while I am not caught up in the middle of it all.

Thanks again. Much love.