Hi Jules11–

I’m glad this post helped you find some clarity. Honestly, just writing it and then seeing everyone’s responses really helped me, too. Especially from Enigma.

It’s not an easy road getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship and although we may all be experiencing similar situations, oftentimes, the thing that keeps us going back (the root cause or causes) can be different. What I do know is that it’s a cycle that becomes addictive. And it is ultimately up to you to move past the addictive behavior in letting go. You will have days where you feel so strong and so yourself, and you will have days where you MISS THE LIFE out of them. But, you have to remember that what you’re missing, isn’t healthy and if you want a healthy, happy life, then that person doesn’t belong in it.

Even after writing this post and being inspired by the responses, I still went back a couple of times, but each time I felt stronger than the last. The final straw came when he wanted to seek counseling together. I decided that perhaps seeing someone together might either help validate what I was experiencing so I could truly let go, or it could help guide us into a healthy direction. To me it would wind up being a win/win, and it was.

My ex was even emotionally abusive to me IN THERAPY. To the point where the woman had a 1:1 with me and asked me a lot of very blatant questions like, “What is it about him that makes you feel happy?” and “What is it that makes you really want to be with this man?” She looked me right in the eye and said, “He is verbally abusive to you. Right here in front of me. If he ever wants to change, it’s going to be a very long road for him, and before that even happens, he has to want to, and he doesn’t appear to be there.” After a few years of dealing with this man, of writing a blog post, seeking personal therapy, talking to friends and family, reading books— that’s what did it for me. The validation of someone who watched it happen before her very own eyes.

I haven’t looked back since then. I will admit I still have love in my heart for him as a human being, but I have no desire to have a future with him anymore. I, too, wonder about him sometimes. I feel bad for him sometimes. But, then I think about how damn happy and full my life is without him and the missing thoughts become fleeting.

With that said, as soon as I felt truly moved on from wanting this man in my life, literally, like clockwork, the most amazing man has entered my life.

Similar to Enigma’s story, except this new relationship is only a few months old.

This man is kind, sensitive, yet confident in who he is as a person. He allows me to be me 110% of the time. He never makes me feel bad or guilty for anything. He’s extremely communicative, loving, patient, altruistic, passionate, romantic. He’s all the things a woman should find in a man. He openly shares his struggles and his flaws and allows me to share mine safely. He’s supportive and balanced. He’s consistent, every single day in his behavior. With my ex, the red flags were present very early on (first month). This man hasn’t given me any reason to believe he’s anything like my ex. In fact, he’s allowed me to share my experience with him and never once acted jealous. If anything, he’s taken on a protective role, but without being invasive, overbearing or possessive. He has proven to me that these amazing men, the kind of men we all deserve to find are out there.

I feel like I’ve found the kind of man I had always hoped would be out there for me, but I am here to tell you- he didn’t come until I was truly moved on from my ex and until I had found love for myself again. It took me being back to a truly authentic self before this man came around.

Work every single day on letting go, and spend your time getting back in touch with the real you that is still in there.