Mimicus,

Ah! Well, the good news is you’re not the worst person on the planet. The bad news is you’re being dumb. You’ve never initiated any friendships, and repel other people when they are near you. So… don’t you see the issue here? How exactly would you make any friends with such a strategy?

Consider a different one. Ask people questions about their life. My favorite (used on me at a meditation retreat by an Aussie) was “so, matt, what are you intensely passionate about?” The conversation just blossomed on its own from there.

Now, about the fear and feeling of loneliness… consider that you sound like you feel stuck in a rut. Very normal, and usual. Isolation has a way of turning our attention inward, making us focus on ourselves almost exclusively. Like a thirsty man may think only of their thirst, and not see anything else around them. Of course this inspires hopelessness, because even as you sit and wish to connect, you’re perhaps too far in your own head to see around you.

If you’re fed up with complaining and whining about what you don’t have, perhaps you’re ready to build what you want! Consider giving up on finding friendship “out there”, and grow a sense of friendship inside yourself. Metta meditation does this very simply. As we sit and become peaceful where we are, accepting the puzzle pieces of our life as is, and begin to focus on warm, friendly thoughts, we begin to grow warm, friendly feelings. When we have those feelings, friendships are easy to make, we naturally feel excited about other people’s brilliant lives, and shaking hands becomes a joy, rather than a quest. Said differently, making friends is about having fun alongside others, sharing common interests and hobbies. Its not about grabbing onto a person and saying “oh goodness, I need a friend.” When we spend time growing metta, that thirst goes away, the need for friends to escape the feeling of loneliness goes away. What is left is peace, appreciative joy, and contentment. Consider “Sharon salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Finally, you’re not broken because you don’t “know it all”. When we’re young, often we are impatient, as though we should automatically know what to do, especially if our parents made us feel bad for our ignorance. Said differently, you’re only 22, so of course you don’t know your butt from a hole in the ground. All normal, usual, and unavoidable. The trick is to accept that, and slowly, over time and trial and error, learn what makes you happy, and how to grow a life you want to live through. Ditch the “I never have, so never will…” bullshit, and try “I never have, so, how do I?” That’s when we can humbly learn, and ever so gently grow our little garden.

With warmth,
Matt