Emily,

It doesn’t seem to me that compassion for him is missing. It seems more like your compassion for him is butting up with your need to protect your family, business, and so forth from his habits. You already see and seem to feel warmth for his side of things… and your trying to make it work for this long shows great strength of heart. Sometimes being compassionate is more about letting what is real be real, rather than trying to accept the unacceptable. To “be OK” with what is “not OK” isn’t actually compassion. Its closer to enabling.

Said differently, it sounds like you wish to be kind to him. That’s great! You saying “I get pissed when he comes to work hungover or on drugs” isn’t in conflict with your being kind to him. Its like he’s placing a thorn in your business, and it makes sense that it upsets you. Being kind in this situation, in my opinion, would be to be direct with how disruptive and unacceptable his behavior is, and letting him know if it continues, you’ll need to find a different manager.

From a different direction, consider how his behavior isn’t good for him or you. Getting drunk the night before work or using drugs before coming to work isn’t good for him. Having a manager drunk or drugged isn’t good for you. Seeing that, accepting that, is still compassionate. Not “oh, what a terrible guy” (slipping into judgment), rather “pieces that aren’t fitting” (compassion for yourself and him, space to see what’s there). Does that make sense?

Its noble of you to wish to “eat the karma”, such as trying to accept the behaviors that upset you… but they’re upsetting you for a reason. Instead of trying to avoid hurting him, consider aiming at getting him to stop the behavior, or removing him from the business. He might need a little bit of whip on his bottom, like a horse that is stuck in mud, to get him unstuck. Maybe his boss being pissed that he’s acting foolishly will push him to find better coping mechanisms for stress. Maybe getting fired will. To me, it seems like your self compassion is what is low, being loving and open enough with yourself to see what you really need, think, and feel.

With warmth,
Matt