Still struggling with all of this.

Her threats of divorce, withholding of intimacy and implications that there is symmetry in our struggles (none of which I’ve responded to outside of an outward appearance of love and acceptance) seem to be indicative of her need to control. I feel I am re-auditioning as her husband and that she has absolutely no interest in understanding me. I am really working on letting go of wanting to be understood, of not expecting her to be compassionate, of surrendering my ego and just serving her seemingly insatiable needs.

This is really terrifying and I can’t deny that I feel tremendous anger at her. The ultimatums of divorce, of her trumping any attempts for me to share my feelings by steamrolling over them with “yeah, but I feel…,” and of her responding to any attempts to be encouraged by re-issuing the threats. There is so much I am not saying in order to keep peace, while she seems unconstrained there.

Can I approach an ego-less state? What will be left of me? Who will I have become? Better in many ways, but so completely foreign.