Dear Yohannes, you are not a DISAPPOINTMENT to me, or to anyone else on Tiny Buddha. You are a decent unique human being who is having a desperately difficult time of it. I know you said you don’t want to be average, but you are not, you are a special person who needs some medical help, and I am sure there are many people out there who would be more than willing to help you, if only you could talk to them and tell them exactly how you are feeling? Have you told your girlfriend how bad you are feeling now? Perhaps she could come with you to seek some help, and it is surprising how much different things can feel if only you don’t have to feel you are on your own with all of your feelings. Don’t forget your lovely dog is relying on you too, and dogs are very sensitive animals I am sure he/she knows you are suffering too. Please, please, seek some help straightaway. If you cannot face explaining to a Dr how you are feeling write it down and give it to them to read before they see you. Another avenue would be to call someone like the ‘Samaritans’, I don’t know if you have them in your country, but any agency who offers a confidential listening ear? People say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, so in essence this means that things won’t always be this way, even though it must feel like that right now. I do understand some of how you are feeling as I am suffering from depression/anxiety and suicidal feelings too, so I know it is a constant struggle, but please don’t give up!!! One day you and your girlfriend will look back on these rough times and in awe of how you managed to get through them! Please write again on your Topic and keep in touch with all of your Tiny Buddha friends out here, we are all thinking of you, and want you to be safe in the knowledge we all want to offer our support and love to you. Sending you a big sack of smiles and loads of love and best wishes for better days.
Sarah-Jane