Thank you for your wise words Jasmine. Alas, I can’t change my path now. I am already very invested in my move to a new country and already here. I know getting my degree is a great thing but I was running away from my pain. My ex hurt me so much that prematurely I thought I have outgrown the pain. I got attention from men in Ireland and I took that as my self esteem getting better. As a woman of Indian descent, I am always told by my family and relatives that my purpose in life is to find a husband and have kids. I have pretended to not care for any of that in front of them for so long that I forgot that those views are engraved in my brain. Every partner, every friend has been looked upon as a “knight in shining armor” by me. Finally someone here to rescue me from a lifetime of loneliness that my mother promises I’ll have if I don’t lower my standards and get arranged married.

I don’t know where to begin to heal myself. There are childhood traumas and adult traumas. Throughout all of them I have only blamed myself. I know I have been judging others because I have been judging myself. All the meditation, all the self help books, self nurturing spa trips, international travels, shopping, etc will never erase the words my family has engraved in my head….”you will be alone rest of your life because you are stubborn”. Due to these “Teachings”, I find love outwards and make sure I push it away to fulfill mine and my family’s prophecy.

I did take your advice and set a goal for myself. Hopefully it is achievable. I am still in pain but I know I will prevail. Thank you again for listening and replying back.

S