I can sympathize with you because I have felt the same pain. That pain in your chest. It’s literally like your heart is aching.
I had a connection with someone recently. We were friends that met 1-2 times a week but chatted daily. Eventually we became lovers but (for reasons I’d rather not get into right now) we knew it could not continue and the intimacy would have to end. But we would always remain friends. However, the day he told me things had to end (because he found someone he could actually have a relationship with) was the day I felt that same discomfort; the unbearable pain in my stomach and chest. I couldn’t sleep or eat or think of anything else. The pain of being out of his life completely was unbearable. We went from regular daily contact and meetings a few times a week to a text message here or there 1 or 2 times a week and zero meetings. Some mornings the heaviness in my chest was too bad to even get out of bed. That’s when I decided (the first time) that we couldn’t be friends. I tried to end the friendship completely by writing a goodbye letter and even having a last ‘goodbye’ meeting. But neither of us could let go completely. I thought I had actually gotten over things a bit as time went on and we would meet for coffee or lunch here and there. But eventually, I would want more and the pain would return. It’s like a vicious cycle. Now 7 months later, he wants to remain ‘friends’ and I’m realizing I really can’t. So by my experience, I have found that I cannot truly be a friend with someone I have such deep feelings for. I have expectations of him the way I did before. When he doesn’t meet them (since he is in a relationship now and can’t) I feel hurt and betrayed and like I can’t go on like this without “us” the way we “were”. I DO realize though that this is unhealthy. It’s like I’m addicted to what was and can’t let go. So I’ve decided (once again) to cut off contact as much as I can (I’m trying 0 contact this time and let’s jus tsay, it’s a work in progress). If I can do that long enough, in time I will get over the deeper feelings I have for this person and maybe someday in the future, we can be friends.
My close friend that I confided in regarding this told me in the beginning that only time will heal things completely. She was right. I’m sorry to tell you, only time will help you feel better. Eventually the pain will go away. But it requires work. You have to force yourself to think of other things when your mind wanders to X. You can’t reminisce as much as you want to (because it just feels soooo good to relive those moments again and again does it!?). With time, the memories will fade (ever so slightly!)…and with that, the pain slowly goes away. It did for me. It only returns once contact begins again. And not even right away-it slowly creeps up on you. We start chatting, talking, meet for coffee and have great conversation! And then the deeper feelings resurface again and I realize, what I want is out of my reach once again. That’s when the pain returns.
I’m not sure my story helped you at all but I guess my advice would be to stay on track with ending things completely as you have. You can’t be friends and expect the pain to go away – not by my experience. You will be tempted to become friends again if he contacts you or if he questions the letter – you just have to fight the urge. I found jogging, yoga and meditation helpful in helping me fight those urges but I do still succumb to them. I wish you much strength!