Hey dear people,

Let’s start by saying that it is a very good feeling to find out that i now am understanding what it is that you were writing about. It took some time and action. It is a very good feeling that i’m really am progressing towards les ego and more ‘just being’. All this, whatever ‘it’ is, seems to be in a graduate shift. I would like to call it transition, the word sounds good.

For me it seemed that in order to let go of the ego, i first had to see it for what it is. I had to first define it and in order to do that i had to really get to know it and to know what it does to keep it like this, paradoxically enough.

Meanwhile i kept being kind to people, even in typically aggressive traffic situations and sorts. I kept practicing loving kindfullness, trying to not ‘internalize’ or attach to anger, judgement or expectations. Instead i kept in mind this one sentence: everybody wants to be happy and is trying, so you try to be the change you want to see in other people. It not worked always, but even if i did get angry i quickly became aware of this and saw that it was this ego thing and not ‘me’. I did not want to be angry, because i know that everybody just want to be happy and is struggling in some way.

I have two stories to tell you if you’re interested. This kind of shows where i ‘stand in life’ for now.

The noisy neighbour.

This was a big lesson in disguise and the frustrated, also struggling neighbour was my teacher. I am deeply thankful for him and the lesson. Life gave me what i needed even if it was total the opposite of what i wanted, namely safety, peace and quiet and no need for action that i had to take.

This young man does not like to be alone and quiet. He likes it noisy and has friends over almost every night. He turns up the volume of the thumping house music regularly. He seems very unhappy to me and he seems to be getting by with the help of distraction, friends and drinking. This is not me judging, but just observing. He is a friendly guy and i have several times asked of him to turn down the music a notch, so i would be able to sleep if i used good earplugs and there was no problem. Until it happened more often and it became louder.

I became more irritable and even angry with him. It even came down to a loud argument in the middle of the night. We eventually came to an compromise, which i think of as a reasonable one. For me however it will still be too noisey. I really like the silence so i made the decision to move.

This is not something the circumstances forced me to do. I chose to not see it that way. I chose to see that we always have choices. I saw the neighbour as a young man struggling with life and needs a lot of party to feel happy. I have been exactly the same. That the coincidence of him and me living in the same building is just something that happend for no reason. But it could be if i wanted to. He’s not going to move, so i chose this to be a lesson.

I learned that it was my ego who saw this boy who was offending ‘me’ by not doing exactly as ‘i’ wanted, even though the boy now knows that he is bothering, or even offending ‘me’, making noise.

I had this progressingly clearer image of my ego and then i let it go. Now I am going to temporarily live on my old room at my mothers house and save up for some traveling i have always wanted to do, but ‘the old me’ would never though of really be doing. Wow. Thanks to all this, i am finally going to travel!

This was clearly life trying to give me the message to take action. I learned a lot…

The bike which was trying to teach me a lesson.

Last night, on my bike, on the way home from work i realized that i have not yet changed the drive chain of the bike. The chain is worn out and it easily drops off the sprocket.

Two years ago i knew this would remain a problem if i wouldn’t change anything. Sometimes i get angry at the bike, sometimes at the roads and most of the time at myself for procrastinating.

A while ago i started to really became aware of this pattern and thought that it would make no difference if i would be irritated about this fact if i wasn’t going to change the chain anyway. It would be better to change the way i looked at it. It made sense, i had a choice.

– replace the chain
– not replace the chain and keep getting irritated
– not replace the chain and accept that it sometimes falls off
– not replace the chain, keep being aware of the chain problem during riding the bike and anticipating every bump on the road.

I experimented with all of them.

Eventually i chose to not change anything on the bike or the roads. I chose to become aware of the chain, anticipating traffic, the roads and all of the bumps on the way. By being aware of as much as i could, but not focussing on anything in particular and certainly not the chain and the goal of the bike trip, i really started to enjoy cycling. I became increasingly aware and peaceful and the chain rarely fell off and if it did it was a sign that i was distracted or too focussed on something. This bike teached me how to meditate. This bike in his exact state teached me that there is always a choice. Again i learned a lot.

The last year or so, even though it was (and still is) messy, is a beautiful part of my life and i am so grateful for it. I am so happy for having trust in life and people. I feel so much freedom.

Thank you! With love and kindness,

Mark