I’m sorry you feel so bad, Sarah Jane. I really hope the pain lets up a little over the next few days, and then keeps letting up.

Try not to heap bad feeling on top of your bad feeling, though. Isn’t it bad enough you’re depressed and suicidal? No need to add the burden of guilt on top. If you feel horrible, you feel horrible. That’s how it is and it’s OK. A lot of people get to dark places like where you are. They can’t be blamed for that, it’s just circumstances and brain chemistry. You’ve clearly been through a lot!

See if you can give yourself permission to feel horrible, just as horrible as you feel now. I bet your family and friends don’t think of you as a burden at all; they want you to be well and happy. Is there anyone you can confide in, who would be able to really listen?

Just keep doing what you’re doing to be your own best friend. Cut yourself some slack. Have another nice bath, or icecream, or a walk, or whatever gesture of kindness you can extend to yourself. Even if you don’t feel better for it, at least the intention is there: you are on team you, and you’ll keep doing things until you find something that does work.

I hope you’ll feel less awful soon.