I’m in a terrible state of mind right now. I have been reading your blog for a very long time now, looking for answers which I can’t find on my own. I’m too stressed, almost on the verge of killing myself, I’m serious. I have been through enough troubles in life but I have never backed down, but this time I think I’ve just lost myself.

I met this guy in high school and we became friends and fell in love. But by the time he realized he loved me, he was dating someone else. But then he came back to me, we dated for a while and then one day suddenly he went back to his ex without giving me any reason. They were in a relationship for 8 years. In these 8 years, he secretly met me, called me n just kept blabbering about himself and just laughed at my problems.

He went through a lot he lost his family and was left alone. I was always there for him till the time he decided to move on, but we never talked about his loss. I told him I was going to get married hoping that he would stop me and tell me that he loved me, instead he just laughed. Things didn’t go well and I got divorced around the same time his girlfriend of 8 years dumped him to marry another guy.

We got back together and then he told me that he was always in love with me, and that he used to call me just to hear my voice and never said a word. He told me that he never loved his girlfriend, but they did have a physical thing thrice as per him. They didn’t go as far as sex but they got intimate.

Now we are together and I feel so angry n upset that he chose her over me, then he stayed with her for so long when he never loved her and then they got physical and now he wants me to accept all of it and forgive him n move on. It’s not at all easy.

I love him a lot I always have but this thing that he chose her over me doesn’t let me forgive him. I understand the pain he went through when he lost his family and that when he tells me that he didn’t want to live but when I bring his gf in the picture I don’t get why was he with her not me? Why he still kept being with her when he didn’t even love her and he knew all along that I loved him? How do I forgive him?

Now, we are married, but I still keep thinking of the things he has told me from his past relationship. It just ruins my day, makes me angry to an extent that i just stop talking to anyone and go into this dark corner. I don’t know how to get out of this mode. Now, that we are together I should be happy, that’s what I thought when we decided to marry each other, but still I feel so bad and I keep feeling this way every other day.

I keep comparing things that we do now with the things he did with her. Sometimes, I just hate myself so much. I see no logic in the things he tells me, his actions have always been completely opposite of what he told me he felt about that ex. In some way I think I don’t trust him. He is not doing anything now to make me feel bad, its just that I constantly keep relating to everything from his past.

I wasn’t so sad and angry even when we were not together for 8 years, I never used to think about his gf and never wasted a second of my life on her. I was a very positive and a happy person under every given circumstance. I have struggled a lot on my family front, have had a very difficult relationship with my parents due to other reasons. Now, when it is time for me to be happy about the fact that I am with the person I always wanted to be with, I’m still not happy.

This is making me crazy. Is it so difficult to forgive him? Should I even forgive him? How can I trust him? Will I ever be able to trust him in life? Should I see a shrink?