Ov,
I think most people have been in a similar relationship to yours– I certainly know I have. There are some words and feelings I tuned into when reading this, like when you had stated that when he proposed the idea of being in a relationship and you felt panicked. I always think our mind tells us something that translates physically like panic. Pay attention, tune into your body and to the best of your ability try to understand why you are feeling what you’re feeling.
I can’t even imagine what he was going through having someone close to him pass. That is always an interesting experience to go through, especially when you’re actively aware what the end result will be. I can imagine what you went through and that is probably what added to the up’s and down’s in this relationship. I learned early on in my life that hot and cold relationships don’t work out. Given the circumstances, there were barriers that may have held you back from having a real relationship. If you truly think that this will go somewhere, do it. Otherwise, I would explain to him, ‘As we’re doing well and moving forward, I just need to check in with myself and make sure this is something I want to do. It is a big decision I want to make wholeheartedly after all we’ve been through’. See how you feel, listen to your body: your answer will be there.
I’m a big beliver that if something happens, it happens with ease.